Cindy’s Comment

CINDY: I have found most abusers are sociopaths and actually believe everything THEY do is right, and if we’re too dumb to accept it, we are the ones in the wrong. The old saying applies: “If you point out a problem, YOU become the problem.” It’s very sad, because it reflects on Christ and His reflection to the world that needs Him so badly.

JACK: From my experience over the years, I believe Cindy is absolutely correct, and I wrote an article about it that was published by the Huffington Post.

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John’s Question

Hey Jack,

I’m getting to know you through your web site, Facebook, and now your blog. I, among other things am a writer and blogger.

I left church in 1999. Just recently, I’ve begun to go back. I know there’s a reason for me to be in a body of believers, so I’m trying. It’s tough.

A few weeks ago, I gave some money to a young couple I didn’t know anything about. I just knew they were in need. I could meet that need, so I did.

I went on a 5 week trip and when I got back, the Pastor asked me to meet him for coffee. I thought, as wounded people do, What does he really want.

Well, long story short he thought I was interfering with his ministry to the couple I had helped, and wanted to let me know that!

Well, I guess you know that dredged up all the hurt and disappointment of my past.

I’m wondering, Jack, if I will ever be able to go to church and just let stuff slide off my back?

John

Jack: No, John, you won’t. Your wounds are too deep, and any time a person who has spiritual authority challenges you, your wounds will surface. This means that you are destined to lead a half life. If you don’t like this answer, then you will need to do the recovery work necessary to become whole once again. Get Recovering from Religious Abuse, and work the 11 steps. If you do the work, you can become everything the Lord ever created you to be. The choice is yours.

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Learn to Mean What You Say

Refer to STEP 4: I chose to accept as true what God has said about Himself. He is good and can be trusted.

The other night in my small group Bible study, we were talking about the passage in Timothy where it says if we are faithless, He remains faithful. After that, it says that if we deny Him, He will deny us.

In the ensuing conversation, someone said, if a Muslim terrorist held a gun to his kids head and threatened to kill them unless he renounced Christ, he would say it outwardly but not inwardly. He reasoned, “I would just mouthe it—nothing else.”

To nearly everyone, this was OK–but not with me.

Without being too legalistic, let me say this: The Lord is looking for men and women who have the intestinal fortitude to stand up for Him regardless of the circumstances. In earlier times, there were many who would, but that doesn’t seem true today. Sadly, we live in an era where there are few who will do so.

Is it any wonder why we have such little impact upon society? I would love to hear what you have to say about this.

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Learning about Life: Part 3

Learning about Life: Parts 1-3 is the forward to a new book of prayers I’ve written.

Altering reality to make a situation more palatable never works, and it is certainly isn’t what God is looking for from His children. He wants each of us to come before Him exactly as we are—in truth, devoid of deception. He is interested in us being forthright, genuine, and transparent—not in being piously pretentious.

If God teaches us in the valley, which He does, then He wants us to be honest when we come before Him—gut-wrenchingly honest. He understands adversity, having experienced it through the suffering of His Son, making Him fully capable of meeting a person exactly where that person is, regardless of where that might be. This is why I have written Real Prayers for Real People with Real Troubles.

It’s for people who have been crushed, having had the wind knocked out of their sails. It’s for people who are in pain—for those who desire to reach out to God but lack the words necessary to express their deepest emotions. It’s for everyone, but particularly
for those who have been abused,  especially religious abuse. If this has been your experience, then Real Prayers for Real People with Real Troubles may be exactly what you need, either right now or for the future. Each prayer has been created to touch the most painful, tender parts of your soul. The entries are quite diverse, including:

• Fear
• Anger
• Sorrow
• Defeat
• Forgiveness
• And many others.

I’ve written each based on real-life experiences and have found all of them to have value in dealing with life’s difficult situations. Real Prayers for Real People with Real Troubles is the type of material you can refer to whenever troubles threaten to overwhelm you. During painful times, when you can barely making it, you will want to keep Real Prayers for Real People with Real Troubles close.

It will always point you to God, providing you with a continuous source of comfort, as it helps you get in touch with the source of your problems. The prayers are for people who know to turn to God when their world is rocked. So, if you are looking for something genuine—something that will point you to God in the midst of circumstances that threaten to crush you—Real Prayer for Real People with Real Troubles is for you.

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Learning about Life: Part 2

This point of view, which predominates Christian literature, consistently views the glass as being “half full,” barely giving lip service to the downside of life, where hardship becomes all consuming—where the glass is obviously “half empty.” Constantly encouraging people to be victoriously upbeat—always looking at the bright side of life—it does everybody in our society a disservice, especially people of faith.

If humans develop character qualities more easily in the valley than on the mountaintop, then being focused on success, while avoiding failure, does nothing more than keep them in a perpetual state of immaturity, rendering them incapable of the growth they need to reach their full stature. By discounting the downside, this perspective has accomplished nothing more than produce a generation of weak-willed, frivolous Christians—men and women who are rarely in tune with the harsh realities of how difficult life can be.

By altering reality to conform to their doctrine, their belief system hinders their capacity to empathize, making them unable to bear one another’s burdens effectively. The end result is that we now have a generation of believers who are inadequately prepared to face adversity, which occurs in everyone’s life, sooner or later. The adherents of this perspective lack the strength of character gained by having to deal with adversity one day at a time. The end result is that they are incapable of substantive faith—of being strong, resilient men and women. Instead, their faith, which is consumed by self-interested materialism, lacks depth and resiliency, rendering them emotionally unable to be the “salt of the earth,” which is precisely what they have been redeemed to be.

There is no area where this perspective is more apparent than in prayer. While often beautiful and mellifluous, there is a surreal quality about them, based upon this worldview that makes them seem more like fluffy, sappy religious sentiment than anything real and genuine. Syrupy and disingenuous, those who utter such platitudes believe they have come before the throne of Grace, capturing God’s heart, never suspecting that they have probably missed their mark. For whatever reason, this perspective fails to understand that God’s desire is for us to be completely honest with Him, exposing our wounds, hiding nothing.

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Liz’s Comment on “Learning about Life.”

I totally agree.

Although, when you’re in the depths of despair and your spiritual eyes are so clouded with pain and utter loneliness, you sometimes can’t see Jesus.

And, when you are hurting, sometimes it seems that our church family likes nothing better than to get thier licks in, under the guise of discernment, discipline, and whatever else—not that there isn’t a place for those things. The bible commands that discipline take place, but we seem to have gleaned unto the discipline and lost total track of grace, mercy, and love.

Thanks for your posting this. Hope I didn’t go too off track!

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Learning about Life: Part 1

Nearly everything I’ve learned about life has come while I’ve been in the crucible, crushed by my circumstances, feeling like I was in the emotional pit of hell. I’m certain there are those who have the ability to learn in a kinder, gentler way, but I’m definitely not one of them. Neither are most of the people I know. Like me, they rarely learn their lessons easily. They seem to gain wisdom and maturity when adversity stops them dead in their tracks—never through the gratitude that comes from being blessed by the Lord.

Additionally, I’m far more likely to seek God during times of hardship than in times when my life is progressing nicely. Perhaps your experience has been similar to mine. I may be mistaken, but I suspect there are more people like us than not—those who learn to trust while deep in the valley of despair, apprehensive about the future—rather than while living on the mountaintop of success, where joy seems to fill each day with endless wonder.

Even though there are millions like us, it’s interesting that most of today’s inspirational material focuses on being successful and prosperous, while discounting the value of adversity. According to this perspective, misfortune is unacceptable—something that should be avoided or, at least, minimized. When hardship comes into a person’s life, it’s viewed as if there is something wrong—something that needs to be fixed, rather than being acknowledged as a normal part of life, affording a necessary growth opportunity.

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“I Just Read Your June 13th Blog”

I just read your June 13 blog. For the umpteenth time in my life, I am facing abuse. No, people have never hit me, but emotionally I have played the role of victim all my life!!

Your blog was a Godsend! It gave me support at the very moment I was hurting from something that happened to me today. I know I am responsible for much of the abuse because I have expected people to treat me that way.

You have described the person I have been and concluded with the person I want to become. Thank you for pointing out the way Jesus handled abusive people.

I will read and reread that blog. Thank you for writing it, and thank God for sending it my way.

—Jennifer

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Reflections About Your Abuse

Refer to STEP 11: I made a commitment to nurture my relationship with the Lord, asking Him to reveal His will to me and to provide me with the power to carry it out.

Strength comes from solitude, a waiting, a communion with the best in us, which is at one with the divine spark.

—Elbert Hubbard

Part of recovery—after enduring the initial trauma from your abuse—is determining who you intend to be for the rest of your life. You have to decide whether or not you will be a perpetual victim, or if will you take the necessary steps to become the person you know you were created to be?

Making this decision is an important step, which each person needs to make thoughtfully, rather than drifting along aimlessly, trying to forget about his or her painful experience. Denial isn’t a good strategy; neither are most others that don’t involve facing the situation squarely.

Shortly after the abusive episode occurs, most people have a natural tendency to shrink away from conflict. They become tentative, insecure, and unsure of themselves. Other people, by way of contrast, become cynical, jaded, hostile, and combative. Still others seem to fluctuate between the two, which is a particularly volatile mix, producing instability and acting-out behavior.

None of these reactive responses is desirable; and if you want your life to count—really count, you’ll have to abandon your natural reactive tendencies and proactively pursue a life where you make a determined effort to change how you have responded to your abuse. It’s critical to your recovery to do this.

When another abusive situation occurs in the future, which may happen, although it may be difficult, taking a firm stand in direct opposition to the situation may be exactly what you are supposed to do. Even the Lord, who loved everybody, had conflicts with abusive, self-righteous religious leaders. We should too. It’s probably the best way to ensure that evil does not triumph.

Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love. (I Corinthians 16:13-14)

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Abused In Seattle—Annie’s Story

Here is Annie’s story of religious abuse in the suburbs of Seattle:

Thanks for your site and your book. I visited your site numerous hours before ordering your book. Then, when I ordered it, I wept and wept when reading the Foreword alone.

When I did the Self Assessment Exercise, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this book was for me, as my score was out of site. I fell in the ‘significant’ range. To say that I have been in denial is an understatement, but that has been my defense—or means of survival—all these years.

Have I gone to counseling? Yes! Has it helped? Not at all. They tell me I have a wall built around me so high and so thick that no one can get in. Well, I wonder why!

You see, I grew up in a very strict, old fashioned, religious, go-to-church-every-time-the-doors-are-open home. Yet, when you are behind closed doors, it is an entirely different story. The behaviors manifested were not as Christ-like as one would expect. Very abusive would be an understatement, when it came to discipline measures in today’s society. Yet, it was not challenged at that time.

I was sexually abused by my older brother, repeatedly. This would take place after school each day, as my parents were not home. One day, they walked in and caught him in the act, and beat us both …. him for doing it, and me for allowing it to happen. Did that stop things? No, it continued to happen even more. It was my punishment from him. But I had to keep my mouth shut.

When he turned eighteen, he left home and went out of state. I felt a certain amount of relief as it stopped that abuse, but the pressures of the physical abuse were still in the home. I could not wait until I turned eighteen. I wanted to leave home as well and start my own life, or so I thought.

When I turned eighteen, I left the church that I had been raised in and started on a “hunt” for a new church. When I found what I thought was a wonderful, friendly, safe church to attend, I settled in and attended every week. I even met a really nice young man there, who I began dating every so often after I would get off work.

Soon, I became the church secretary, and would run the church bulletins each week. However, I would not talk to many people, as I had my guard up. One week, when I was there, the minister came in and asked me if he could talk with me. After getting done with the church bulletin, I went in to his study where he was and asked what it was he wanted to see me about.

He proceeded to get up and close the door. He said that he noticed I was quite withdrawn and asked if everything was alright at home, etc.

I said, “Yes.”

Then, he proceeded to come on to me, as I was sitting there in the chair. I was astonished at his mannerisms and asked him what in the world he thought he was doing. He said he was sorry; he just thought of me as his daughter.

I said, “What! Would you rape your daughter?” Then, I ran out of the study. I got in my car and sped off, driving around and thinking. I drove to an area that I usually went to to think about things which was by a lake. I sat there crying my eyes out.

Before I knew it, there he was! Apparently, he had followed me and, in my state of mind, I did not even realize it. He proceeded to enter the passenger door and attempt to rape me again. I kicked him and shoved him out the door and sped off, driving erratically until I got home. I was crying my fool head off. I straightened my clothes, and hair, wiped off my face and went inside. I knew I couldn’t tell my parents.

Why … just to get beat again? Hell no!

So, I quietly went to bed and cried into my pillow. I had a younger sister who thought I had broken up with my boyfriend, so she tried to console me. The next day, I went to the sheriff’s office to report what had happened. Did they believe me? No! Come to find out the minister was also an auxiliary for the sheriff’s department, so this was all just swept under the carpet. He was one of theirs, and it was not to be heard of. So nothing was done.

I told my boyfriend about it. His parents were on the church board, and  they said to confront the church about it. When I did, I was scoffed at and ran out of the church. Because it was an “independent” church, they backed their beloved pastor instead.

This was the beginning of the end—well, in some ways. He has lost as well. God is in control. Even though I have been struggling with this for many years, it has affected my life in sooooo many ways even still.

The minister has paid the price as well. I have seen him lose his church and one of his sons go to prison. He has had many health issues. I could go on and on, but God is the vindicator. He will take care of things.

There have been numerous other incidents, as “trust” is a major issue for me. “Love” seems so foreign. To give love is one thing, but I can’t receive it. Life has rendered so many losses. Time has slipped through my hands; it seems.

What is left? Do I really want to know?

Do I believe working the 11 steps to spiritual freedom can help Annie reconnect with a loving God? You bet I do—Jack Watts.

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A Wounded Person’s Experience

The following is a word-for-word account of one woman’s abuse. As you can tell by reading her story, her wounds are real and deep. Here it is: 

I HAD A STRONG RELATIONSHIP WITH THE LORD.

I had an abusive unbelieving husband.
I had 2 sons… I was trying to give them a “different” life. (they have aunts , uncles, in laws that are divorced, gay, had abortions, did drugs…)

I wanted MY CHILDREN to KNOW GOD (so far they do! ♥ )

I WAS PHYSICALLY ILL AND NEEDED HELP.
I asked for help.
I asked for help with my marriage.

THAT WAS WHEN I WAS OPEN FOR ABUSE!

1. I am reading your blog now. I at this moment reading… “should you confront your abuser”…. I wish I had more help with that.

2. I am in Celebrate recovery… I am “trying” …. I’ve only just begun. SO much is repeats of things I KNOW from years past. I MADE GOOD CHOICES.
I chose to forgive my husband after his 7 years of betrayal. I chose to forgive my mother’s 6 divorces. I chose to love my sister after 4 pregnancies and 10 lovers and 2 abortions!

I BELIEVED THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH “ME”!

3. MINE is not only religious abuse but SEXUAL (lots of twists and turns….) At first it was I who was seduced.

I BELIEVED HIS LIES.
I actually had a season of attending church WITH HIM , helping him in ministry and he was helping with my son (like a little family) [I'd laugh but I can't stop crying]… until I realized what he was doing not only to other women but

TO (you) and the world… !

and I want to warn the world because he is still out there and still “DOING IT” (Using women in Christian ministry to promote himself)

HIS SEX IS KINKY
he has multiple partners
MOST are in positions in ministries to provide him “insider” information.

He might rendezvous with them at a Christian Conference or at some professional “dinner” where he lingers and converses, and all the “others” disappear until THEY are “intimate”.

HE is big on the topic of MARITAL INTIMACY…

HE EVEN PUBLISHED AN ENTIRE MAGAZINE ABOUT SEXUALITY.

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Jody’s Ordeal with a Narcissistic Pastor

Dear Jack,

Reading your post this morning made me want to write and tell you how “spot on” your article in The Huffington Post is. Amanda’s story is so sad, but I do understand some of what she went through.

My husband and I were in an abusive church with a narcissistic pastor for more than ten years. I will—at some point—write you more about our story, and I do plan to order your book. It is just something I have put off, but I know that my husband NEEDS this book big time.

I have worked with several counselors and pastors about over-coming my leftover “junk” from having been involved in that church, but my husband is still hurt and wounded after having left that place. And we have been gone for over five years now. He has a huge hole that God needs to heal from the abuse he suffered and, may I add, that my husband stood up to this pastor and quietly rebuked him three times during those years we spent there.

Of course, he was labeled “rebellious, stiff necked and made out to be a tool of Satan for trying to hurt the pastor.” You know what I am saying, without me having to say too much here; I am sure of that. He was even labeled a “demonic spirit” and mentally unstable before we finally left. It was terrible. But, like I said, I will write later and tell you more. It is almost impossible to put it all into words. You understand.

Lately, God has shown me that my husband needs to take steps to heal from the abuse, and I still have some “seeds” that have a root in my heart as well. I thank you for working and ministering on behalf of those who have been abused.

May God bless your effort,

Jody Chance

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