This is Maria’s story—in her own words—which I am re-posting as a complete story. It’s long but extremely powerful. As always, the names and locations have been changed to provide anonymity.
—Jack
I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian home. My childhood was one that many would have envied. Growing up, we had an intact family with everything we ever wanted and more. We traveled, shopped, and enjoyed our family times together.
Being raised out of the United States in a beautiful South American country, everything seemed pretty normal. My parents were very loving but, at the same time, very strict. I noticed that we had a lot of friends, but we also were very different. For example, we would attend birthday parties but, when the dancing started, we were called to go home; and that’s exactly what we did.
When we left South America and moved to the United States, the strictness seemed to intensify. I was not allowed to wear pants or to go to movies. We also stopped having a glass of wine during the holidays, which we had done before. In my mind, I did not understand, but obeyed as was expected of me.
From the ages of fifteen forward, that was my life. Yet, I made the best out of it, including always seeming happy and loving others. I attended church and followed all the rules. I trusted that everyone was telling me the truth, but I really never read the Bible for myself until many years after.
In my mind and in my outer appearance, I really did obey my parents, as well as my older brother. In Latin countries, you looked at an older brother as if he was your own father. While in college, I became engaged, but I broke off my engagement because I wanted to be a missionary in my native land in South America. This went against everything I had been taught growing up. After a certain age, you become a wife and a mother.
Breaking off my engagement brought several people from my Baptist church to my parent’s home to pay me a visit. The visit was explicitly to tell me how awful I was to break off an engagement and that I needed to follow-up with my word. I immediately felt condemned for even thinking about doing something I felt the Lord had called me to do. I went ahead and married six months later, knowing in my heart I was not supposed, but I was confused. I believed I was not allowed to make decisions for myself, and I was displeasing God by not obeying the people over me—even though I was already an adult.
My marriage lasted eleven years, and I have four beautiful children from it. In the marriage, I was an obedient and submissive wife. I did all the right things, including having a home business and teaching at home. I never questioned my husband, Tom, who was a Sunday school teacher. He was very authoritative at home.
I don’t remember the event that preceded him grabbing my arm and bruising it enough for my father to notice. The only thing I recall was that my first daughter was in the tub at the time. He never laid a finger on me again but rather was never there unless it was time for church on Sundays. He traveled a lot and was doing pornography and going to strip bars once in a while.
At the time, I kept those things to myself. Thinking back, in a very subtle way, I truly believe I had been taught at a very early age to always keep our problems inside the “four walls” of my home. So, when I would hear it later on, I thought I was doing what was right.
There was a young man who came into my life during this time and, I am ashamed to say, I gave in to the temptation. Repenting immediately, I went in front of the church and asked for forgiveness. This is when everything that happened in my marriage became open to the whole community.
Tom ran with it, but I spoke up. At the time, we were in counseling with our pastor. The Pastor said we needed professional help, which I was very glad he recognized. I was ready to go. My husband said “no,” and that I would do what he said when he said it. Professional counseling was out of the question. He insisted that I obey him and go live with him at his mom and dad’s house. He would say things like this: “Even if I have to tie you to the back of the car . . . “
He would also threaten to take my kids to Wyoming or to a far away place. I was so scared, naive and young. Even though I was hurting inside, I was instructed to remain in my marriage, even if I was physically hurt and bleeding. In those times, emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuse was not mentioned as much as the physical abuse. Little do people realize what the impact and pain those other abuses create, leaving scars that take so long to heal.
I was demoralized as a wife and mother. I will never forget the times I would get dressed up. Tom would never compliment me because he didn’t want me to believe I was pretty. He thought it would make me become conceited. That was his rationale and said God would agree with him. He said this over and over again, as well as a lot of other harsh words. He used hateful and demeaning words routinely.
He did this with our daughters too, and I can say it affects young women when their fathers don’t compliment them, build them up, and encourage them.
While being separated in the same house, I asked if I could go to my mom’s and just take some time to think. Tom’s response was to say, “No.” I kept asking, so one day I finally went to my mom’s with the help of my younger brother. Tom went to my mom’s and told me that I was shaming God’s name and to come back home. If not, he would take me to court for abandonment and also take my kids. At that point, I wanted to see if there was any glimpse of love that he might have for me, but I never saw it.
We were divorced two years later. Tom fought me for custody and tried to get the Christian community against me. He succeeded with some Christians, including my oldest brother who not only tried to testify against me in court but also gave me this warning, “You divorce and you will be excommunicated from your family never to have existed.” The truth of the matter was that I still went through with it and was excommunicated from my brother and his family for almost ten years. My pictures were taken off the wall, and it was like I was dead. During this time, they used God’s word to say that was what they were supposed to do. This was a very difficult and sad time in my life.
Looking back at my first marriage, I should have gone to professional counseling, even if Tom refused to allow it. I think back at what I know now and believe that I could have worked through my issues—my insecurities, fears and pain. I would have recognized what abuse was and that might have kept me from a lot of the heartache I have experienced through the subsequent years.
I would venture to say I would not have married the second man I married. I would also say that, if I had not gone through what I did previously, I would have taken a stand and gone to counseling alone. So, if you are at a crossroad and considering help for your marriage—and you have a spouse that refuses to go—well, you take the step and get help before it is too late. God works wonders! His ways are definitely not our ways.
I moved on and began a new life in another church, where I began reading the Bible for my self. I learned a lot, but I was not prepared to recognize that the patterns from my previous marriage were still there, so I got side tracked by a man I met in church. He was also a single father with four children. Our courtship was a very fast one—like a whirlwind.
I received calls from his ex-wife, telling me he was abusive and to stay away from him for my own safety. He told me that she was a crazy, evil woman. I believed him. He did things that, looking back, I should have paid attention to, but I was mesmerized and too blind to see. I married him seven months later.
My spiritual, verbal, and emotional abuse began the minute I said, “I do.” The infidelities also started immediately. We were in church every Sunday and even ministered together. I reached out to his mentor, and my husband, Cory, found out. He gave me a warning: “Don’t ever bring our problems out of these four walls again,” which was more than a subtle rebuke.
I did not and was very scared because I had never seen his angry behavior before. In my first marriage, the infidelity was through pornography. There was spiritual and verbal abuse, too. He was also controlling but, in my second marriage, I saw even more. Cory’s anger was horrible. I was scared, but I did not want another failed marriage.
At that time, I did not recognize that what was happening was abuse of every kind. I maintained this horrible cycle for almost fourteen years until one day, in front of the whole family, Cory hit my nineteen-year-old daughter and bruised her face. She spoke up at work where she was protected. I kept quiet during the first fourteen years, but many others around us saw what was happening and kept an eye on our family, even though I did not know it. I kept quiet because the Bible was used every time to remind me what God’s word said about the “quiet and meek” wife. He used it, while always apologizing for his abuse, by saying, “I am so sorry.” Then, he would tell me how much he loved me.
He was involved in a mild case of child pornography with the same daughter whom he hit. This, I found out later. At the same time, he had been doing pornography throughout our married years, meeting women online. He always gave me the impression he was going to leave me for someone else. I forgave and kept it to myself, thinking I did not want to hurt the name of God again.
His abuse went from using God’s word one minute to physically abusing me the next; while, at the same time, teaching God’s word to others, writing devotionals, and having Godly websites. This pattern continues to this day.
At that time, I won a state beauty pageant, which allowed me to compete for an international title. I wanted to give up my state title several times but persevered and completed my year. In spite of everything, I still had my beautiful smile and, in my pictures, unless you look at them very closely, no one would ever guess what was really happening—other than those who were the closest to us.
Cory would use my title to try to manipulate me and even to hurt me. All of his abusive behavior came out in 2009, when he physically hit my nineteen-year-old daughter. He also hit my seventeen-year-old son, bruising his face. He used the Bible to say that it was right, and he would do it again. That is when I finally woke up and searched for help in my church.
This time, I knew something had to be done. It helped that I was able to recognize I had been in an abusive relationship all the years we were married, which included all of the infidelities. Working with the counselor, I was able to express that I was physically abused by my husband all the time. I have what they call a hip-effusion caused by trauma, which was done by my ex-husband, but I also know that my emotional and spiritual strength were greater than when I was married the first time.
I want to share an episode that took place, which made me realize that I had to be careful with this man. It made me realize I really did not know him. Finally, at the end, his abuse became physical as well.
One day, he was trying to make me leave my room, while I was trying to get some clothes out of my closet. I did not realize how angry he was because I was scared to even look at him. He grabbed me, and I slid down the wall on the floor. He grabbed my right leg, and I began screaming and crying loudly. Through my tears, I said, “Please let go. You are hurting me.” He continued even harder until something popped very loudly. Then, I screamed so loudly two of my kids found me on the floor, and he let me go at the same time.
He jumped right up to his computer chair and began writing. My son asked me, “Mom, what happened?”
I was trying to talk and my ex-husband kept interrupting. He said stuff like, “Yes, I did hear something pop.”
Finally, my son told him to be quiet and to let me speak. I finally did, and they helped me to my bed. Looking back, I should have reported it, but I did not. I began crying from the pain. Cory turned to me and said these words, “Good. Maybe you will be like Jacob in the Bible, and God will use this to humble you.”
I continued crying. I was not able to seek medical help until a year later because I was afraid to.
After four counselors, trying to see if my marriage could be saved, God showed me to let it go before I was physically damaged even more. My emotional state was not good but, for the first time in my life, I knew personally that God said to me, “Let it go!”
That was the best decision I could have ever made. When you are dealing with spiritual abuse and, when you have not recognized it yet, it can have the power to destroy you. It plays over and over in your mind. When your partner—or whoever—knows you love God above everything else, that person will use it to try to manipulate, control and over power your personal relationship with Christ.
I have to say all types of abuse are horrible, and God does not wink at it. Spiritual abuse is one that lingers and, if you don’t become strong by reading the Bible and studying it, you can emotionally, mentally, and be physically destroyed. And, that’s exactly the emotional place where your abuser wants you to stay.
To this day, this man is free to continue being the sociopath that I now know him to be. I have healed a lot his past year, and I can now recognize spiritual, verbal and emotional manipulation. I don’t allow any of the things I have heard him say about me to have control over me, nor what he has posted on his websites.
That is in God’s hands now, and I go on living life. God has given me another chance to live life to the fullest. Today, I am not the same little girl who wandered through life, suffering all types of abuse. Instead, I’ve learned to make tough decisions and choices. I am now on the other side of this a humongous mountain. I have had so much support all around the country that I am so thankful for.
I am free to be me and know that God is pleased with who I am. Yes, there were times I thought I would end up in the hospital but, looking back, I had to go through those very dark moments to be who I am today. Today, I am beginning a new life, and I being used by God in ways I would have never expected. I know God has plans for me, as His daughter, which puts a smile on my face.
Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Even though I have suffered all types of abuse in my life, I want to take this opportunity to mention a few things about “Spiritual Abuse.” Spiritual abuse is happening all over our country today, including our Christian churches and colleges. I call it the silent epidemic that is hurting a lot of people, especially our young adults.
This is very subtle. It is used by those who think they have authority over us, and they actually use that statement. You have to remember that our ultimate authority is God, and He doesn’t go around beating us over the head with that statement. There are several people who are very close to me who are suffering “spiritual abuse.” This is when the “Church” takes the place of God.
When you hear statements such as, “You will be without fellowship with God unless you put yourself under us, the elders, the pastor, etc.,” you are a victim of spiritual abuse. When you are told to follow certain rituals or traditions and, if you don’t, you are out of fellowship with God, take notice. Then run. God’s word has all our answers for us and, in His time, He will show you the answers you might be searching for. He is a loving God, full of Grace and mercy, and He is a just God—unlike man.
