Father,
Here I am once again,
At the end of myself,
Feeling like a fool,
Feeling like I haven’t learned a thing.
It seems as if I’ve been here so often.
My times of sorrow and suffering
Have far surpassed my times of contentment.
Be gracious to me, Lord,
Let me know what You have in store for me.
Assure me that my pain has been purposeful—
That my years have not been a total waste,
Devoid of meaning—devoid of value.
I want to cast my anxieties upon You
But when I do, they don’t stay there.
Instead, they haunt my mind constantly,
Exacting a terrible, debilitating vengeance,
Impacting every fiber of my being.
I want to be strong, but I am not.
I’m so weak—so used to defeat
That sorrow has become my daily drink.
Rescue me, Father. Pour out Your grace,
And allow me to know joy once again.
Let my cup overflow with blessing.
Allow my life to again have value,
And instruct me about what that will be.
I fear that my days will end
Before any good will ever materialize,
Leaving a wasted, purposeless existence.
Without Your active intervention,
All will be lost and irredeemable.
I know that; I’m certain of it.
As I wake in the morning and retire at night,
That realization is ever before me.
That’s not what I want, Father,
And I know it is not what You desire either.
Arouse Thyself, why doest Thou sleep, O Lord? Awake, do not reject us forever. Why dost Thou hide Thy face, and forget our affliction and our oppression? For our soul has sunk down into the dust; our body cleaves to the earth. Rise up, be our help, and redeem us for the sake of Thy righteousness. (Psalm 44:23-26)
Thank you for sharing with such honesty. Many are drinking their cup of sorrow with you.
May you receive a Butterfly Kiss from our Father today, Jack.
Blessings, Jo Rae
Oh how I identify with this. You think that you have finally concurred this and then it hits you again. This morning the Lord was showing me how much I am guilty of judging others. I mean, don’t we have the right to be angry at those who have hurt us? Jesus says NO! We are to love the sinner but not the sin. I have realized that I am so angry at the last man who hurt me yet he emotionally abused me. So today I cry out to God in my sorrow for yet being convicted of judgment of others who I have no right to judge. No matter what someone else has done, I have done just as bad–I am just as guilty! When do we forgive ourselves? It is when we can forgive ourselves that we can then forgive others
For those recovering from abuse, you have just made my point about Step 6: I refuse to become like those who have abused me and abandon my desire to spread malice because of my pain and my anger.
Just looked at Step 6, and see the word pride–”to turn away from my (very wounded) pride”. Yes, it is my pride that is hurt isn’t it! I keep thinking that I have overcome all of this and then like this morning it hits again. I thought I was doing so well, and I am in other areas of my life-growing in the spirit, etc. But you can’t really say that you are well until it applies in all areas of our lives can you! Thanks for the reply Jack and for your original post. God always knows where we are at and how to make the point to us–it is always the right timing isn’t it!