God’s Silence in Tragedy Does Not Mean You Have Been Abandoned

 

Refer to STEP 5: I recognize the only way back to a productive life is exactly the way I came. I have to repair my relationship with God and make amends with everyone I have wronged along the way.

Adversity is the mint in which God stamps upon man his image and superscription.

—Henry Ward Beecher

When spiritual abuse occurs, there is always the temptation to conclude God doesn’t care or that He really isn’t there—not really. To feel this way is normal, at least for a while. Along with these feelings, the following question is universally asked: “If God is really in charge of everything, then how could he have allowed this to happen?”

Even Christ asked the question when He was on the cross—”Why have You forsaken Me?”

With Christ, the answer is obvious. If God had rescued His Son, Christ would not have died for our sins. Being forever lost, we would have no way to reestablish a relationship with God. I’m grateful that He didn’t, aren’t you?

But why didn’t God rescue you or those people in Oklahoma? He could have, but He chose not to. Instead, He allows people to go through a world of suffering. Why would He do that? Does it mean He doesn’t really care about us after all? In your own circumstance, when God didn’t rescue you, did that mean you were abandoned by Him?

No, it doesn’t mean that at all. It means He has treated you like a son or a daughter, allowing you to suffer at the hands of someone abusive—just like He allowed His Son to suffer at the hands of the Pharisees. God could have rescued Jesus, but He didn’t.

God had a purpose for what happened to Christ, and He has a purpose for what happened to you as well. Knowing how many hairs you have on your head, God knows your situation more intimately than you do. He is aware of every aspect of your abuse and, no matter how badly you’ve been hurt, He is still in charge—no matter what.

His silence may seem unjust, but it is not. His silence may seem unkind and unloving, but it is not. You may not feel His presence and you probably don’t, but He is there for you no matter what. You can not only count on it, but you must count on it.

All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. (Hebrews 12:11)

—Jack Watts   Resources

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When Fear and Apprehension Become Debilitating

 

Father,

You are aware of my troubles like no other,

And You understand my adversities completely.

Sometimes, I become so fearful my skin grows cold,

And it feels like I can hardly breathe.

I feel helpless, paralyzed with trepidation.

My heart is gripped by panic and an

Alarming apprehension of the future.

I’m afraid of so many things.

I’m fearful of people and of being alone,

Of never again experiencing happiness,

And of devastating economic catastrophe.

Father, it seems like the list never ends,

And I lack the courage to help myself,

Which I’m ashamed to admit—even to You.

I need You; there is no one else to help.

Be my strength, when I am weak.

Be my fortress, when my life crumbles

And my future is filled with foreboding.

Father, who else can I rely upon but You?

Sometimes I’m even afraid You don’t really care,

And that You really don’t intend to help.

I want to be strong and confident,

But I’m not strong—even though I feign that I am.

Give me strength and confidence, Father,

As I take a halting step forward—one foot at a time,

With nothing sustaining me but my trust in You,

Which I know to be fragile and tenuous.

—Jack Watts   Real Prayers

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The Only Outcome You Can Control Is Your Reaction

 

Refer to Step 10: I choose to believe God still has a purpose for my life—a purpose for good and not evil.

I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death.

—Thomas Paine

The Scriptures teach us to “count it all joy” when we experience difficult “trials” in our lives. When you read this for the first time, it seems like it must be a typo, doesn’t it? In your mind you say, Surely, God doesn’t expect me to count it all joy when I’ve lost my job, my house, my child, or my health, does He?

As difficult as it seems, that’s precisely what He wants you to do—to count it all joy. Simply because you do not see a way out of an encumbering circumstance doesn’t mean there isn’t one. God’s thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and He knows the outcome. From His perspective, it’s already a done deal. All He is waiting for is for you to fall in line.

The way to fall in line is by putting everything in His hands, especially the outcome, which you have no control over anyway. Look to Him; thank Him for your circumstances; and fall in step by doing the next right thing. When you do, numerous character qualities will be enhanced within you.

Everybody has trials. Everybody has disappointments. Everybody has failures. It’s what you do with them that counts. If you chafe, becoming bitter and petulant, you will have failed to grow in an area where you need to mature. This means you need to repeat the exercise—like a student who needs to retake a failed course. The choice is yours: you can either demonstrate wisdom, by “counting it all joy” when difficulties arise, or you can continue to repeat your mistakes.

I’ve gone through many trials with mixed results. Like most, I’ve chafed more than I should have, which has meant I’ve been forced to repeat the learning process numerous times. Now, when difficulties come my way, I choose to repeat this chorus:

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord blessed be Your name.

In everything give thanks; for this is God’s well for you in Christ Jesus. (I Thessalonians 5:18)

—Jack Watts   Resources

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If It Contradicts God’s Word, Reject It or Pay a Terrible Price

 

Refer to STEP 1: I acknowledge that my life is shipwrecked and not where I want it to be.

I never trust people’s assertions; I always judge them by their actions.

—Ann Radcliffe

Throughout Scripture, we are taught to welcome strangers, clothe the naked, and give of ourselves to those in need. Christ taught us what we do for the “least of these” is what we do for Him. The church is tasked to be the voice for the voiceless and a defender of the afflicted. When it works, it’s beautiful, but when it doesn’t, dysfunction prevails.

Most of the dysfunction results from fallen man behaving accordingly. Sometimes, it’s much worse than that.

That’s when abusiveness becomes a problem. Because many Christians are young and inexperienced, they accept beliefs that contradict God’s Word. When they ask their trusted leaders to explain what’s happening, the explanations they receive often contradict sound teaching.

If this happens to you, you should run. Unfortunately, that’s not what usually happens. Instead, most re-sell themselves about what’s occurring, making the leader’s error a cherished belief instead of what it is—a destructive distortion. That’s where the problem begins.

Lack of familiarity with the Scriptures makes naïve Christian’s easy prey for abusive leaders—those who know the Bible just well enough to distort it. Because of this, it’s easy to abuse young, trusting believers. The end result is a shipwrecked life for each person who falls victim to the abuser.

Has this been your experience? If so, recovering from a situation where you trusted an abusive authority figure can be very difficult. Your soul is burned with scar tissue covering the wound, and you become skeptical and jaded for a long, long time. By recognizing this is where you are, however, you have taken the first step in your recovery.

I know that after my departure savage wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock; and from among your own selves men will arise, speaking perverse things, to draw away the disciples after them. Therefore, be on the alert. (Acts 20:29-31a)

—Jack Watts   Resources

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Carrying Emotional Baggage Doesn’t Make You Stronger

 

Refer to STEP 4: Therefore, I commit to repairing my relationship with God and making amends with everyone I have wronged along the way.

It is a severe rebuke upon us, that God makes us so many allowances, and we make so few to our neighbor.

—William Penn

When you are describing Americans, there are many things you could say—some humorous, some serious, and some insightful. Perhaps the attribute that typifies us the most is that we are a nation of people burdened by unresolved, broken relationships. In America, we move on to the next relationship—whether romantic, personal, or professional—while never making peace with the one’s that have been broken.

Consequently, Americans have as much emotional baggage as any nationality in the world—perhaps more. To say it is a significant societal problem is a massive understatement. That’s why there is so much value in using a “step” method for recovery. Recognizing that most of the pain received by the initial wounding is still present—just below the surface—people live their lives with an outward appearance of serenity, while feeling substantial internal pain and conflict. Sporting plastic smiles, the emotional health of Americans is so poor we routinely medicate our pain with self-defeating behavior, such as alcoholism, promiscuity, pornography, antidepressants, overeating, and overspending.

Because the reprieve from the pain is so short, we require ever increasing doses of our dysfunctional medication to quell our disquietude. Eventually, our carefully constructed world comes crashing down, and we bottom out.

If we survive, that’s when we become willing to do whatever is necessary to put our lives back together, including turning to God. That’s why the 11-steps approach is so valuable. It requires you to go back and resolve the conflicts that created the pain. Although it is difficult, your conflicts can finally be resolved, restoring peace in your life. Your broken relationships can be put to rest, troubling you no longer.

In recovery, there is no getting around the reconciliatory process, which is good. It’s much better to experience the pain of humbling yourself, rather than carrying the chains of your broken relationships for the rest of your life. If you want to achieve serenity, you’ll have to work for it but, once you’ve made the effort, you’ll never regret having done the work to accomplish it.

The one who says he is in the light and yet hates his brother is in the darkness until now. The one who loves his brother abides in the light and there is no cause for stumbling in him. But the one who hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going because the darkness has blinded his eyes. (I John 2:9-11)

—Jack Watts   Resources

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You Can learn from Your Abuse or Repeat It. The Choice Is Yours

 

Refer to STEP 11: I made a commitment to nurture my relationship with the Lord, asking Him to reveal His will to me and to provide me with the power to carry it out.

Strength comes from solitude, a waiting, a communion with the best in us, which is at one with the divine spark.

—Elbert Hubbard

Part of recovery, after enduring the initial trauma from your abuse, is determining who you intend to be for the rest of your life. You have to decide whether or not you will be a perpetual victim?

If not, you will have to take the necessary steps to become the person you know you want to be? Making this decision is an important step and needs to be made thoughtfully.

Most don’t do this, choosing instead to drift along aimlessly, trying to forget about their painful experience. They choose to live in denial, which isn’t a good strategy. It never works, especially with something as serious as abuse. Shortly after an abusive experience, most have a natural tendency to shrink away from conflict. They become tentative, insecure, and uncertain. Other people, by way of contrast, become cynical, jaded, hostile, and combative. Still others seem to fluctuate between the two, which is a particularly volatile mix, producing instability and acting-out behavior.

None of these reactive responses is desirable. If you want your life to count—really count—you’ll have to abandon your natural reactive tendencies, choosing instead to pursue a proactive life—a life where you make a determined effort to change how you respond to your abuse. It’s critical to your recovery to do this.

If another abusive situation occurs, which may happen, although it might be difficult, taking a firm stand in direct opposition to the situation may be exactly what you are supposed to do. Even the Lord, who loved everybody, had conflicts with abusive, self-righteous religious leaders. So should we. It’s probably the best way to ensure that evil does not triumph.

Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love. (I Corinthians 16:13-14)

—Jack Watts

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A Prayer for When You Need to Confront a Loved One

 

Father,

Thank You for revealing Your will to me.

Now, I understand what I need to do and why.

My spirit had been disquieted for days,

As I’ve wrestled with my decision to proceed.

Deciding to be confrontational has been grueling,

But I’m certain it’s what You would have me do,

Despite my apprehension and desire to be liked.

By stepping out, when I would rather pretend

That the problem doesn’t exist—that it isn’t real—

I will be burning a valued bridge,

Which I have desired to protect at all costs.

But I cannot, nor can I continue

To remain quiet, secure in my self-deception.

I know what I have to do, and I will do it.

But, Father, it’s difficult for me,

And I can’t pretend that it isn’t.

About some things I appear to be so strong,

But not when it comes to confrontation,

Especially when it’s with someone I love.

My fear is that my insides will turn weak and

My resolve will vanish, rendering me useless.

Help me to be bold and confident,

While refraining from saying hurtful things,

Which are within my power and nature to do.

Father, help me guard my tongue,

While remaining straightforward and candid.

—Jack Watts   Real Prayers for Real Problems for Real People

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Review & Reflection 51

Father,

I endured the obligatory heartache for a period

I thought was far too long, but You knew

Was exactly what was required.

You promised that if I would humble myself

You would exalt me at the proper time.

I didn’t believe this was true—not literally

Nor that You would do it—not really.

But You have, and I can clearly see

Your hand in the restoration of my life.

Question: Do you agree with what the prayer says? Will God exalt You, or is this just a noble concept? Is it literally true? Has it happened to you?

Because of the minister’s skill and calling, they have been elevated to a class above those to whom they have been called to serve. This reversal of positions has become so entrenched ministers have become celebrities, adored by their followers like rock stars or sports figures. This transformation has become so accepted that few realize how far it has drifted from the original model.

Journal: Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Write out your answer.

Receiving forgiveness from someone by making an apology is comparatively easy to making amends that fit the situation. Additionally, making amends runs counter to our prevailing American culture. We want to ask forgiveness while skipping restitution. By believing an apology is all that’s required, you might think you’re avoiding the hardest part, but you’re also relinquishing your right to a profound blessing.

Journal: Write about a situation where you not only made an apology but also made an appropriate amends to someone else. Be specific and detailed.

The importance of learning good listening skills cannot be overestimated. When someone is abused, he or she often resorts to self-defeating behavior to medicate the pain they have experienced form being abused. This behavior—whether it involves medicating with sex, alcohol, drugs, pornography, over spending, or over eating—creates feeling of guilt and low self-esteem in the life of the abusee, making them feel like they are as worthless as their abuser said they were.

Journal: Have you developed the ability to listen to a wounded believer at this level? If you have, write about at least one experience. If you haven’t, write about what you believe you are capable of doing.

In modern Christendom, the whole concept of prayer has become distorted and flawed. Prayer isn’t getting an answer from God; prayer is becoming one with God, so that you begin to think like He does. When your prayers go “seemingly” unanswered, you need to dig deeper into the matter until you understand what God is trying to teach you.

Journal: Write about your prayer life, especially times when you prayed in such a way that you came to understand what God was doing in the life of another.

—Jack Watts

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Doing the Next Right Thing Amid Familial Dysfunction

Refer to Step 10: I choose to believe God still has a purpose for my life—a purpose for good and not evil.

 

Character is doing the right thing when nobody’s looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that’s right is to get by, and the only thing that’s wrong is to get caught.

—J. C. Watts

Doing the right thing in recovery is often very difficult—just ask someone. Regardless of what type of recovery it might be, walking in integrity is frequently challenging. Everybody likes the idea of doing the right thing but, when there is great pressure exerted against you, it’s not always easy.

This is especially true when the pressure is initiated by a loved one. To take a leap of faith in a circumstance like this can be very intimidating. Nevertheless, it’s important to do the right thing, for the right reason, at the right time—not just occasionally, but routinely. It doesn’t seem like it would be that difficult but, when you are in the heat of the battle, it certainly is. People who are forced to make unpopular decisions and stick to them realize this.

To make matters worse, there is nobody around to validate your decision to do the right thing. If there were, it would be much easier.

Therefore, when conflicts arise, especially when you are forced to go against opposition within your family, just hold your breath, take a leap of faith, and do it. At first, it may seem scary. You may think that you have done the wrong thing but, over time, the correctness of following the Lord will become increasingly evident. So, learn to step out in faith, regardless of what negative consequences you think might eventuate.

For such is the will of God that by doing right you may silence the ignorance of foolish men. Act as free men, and do not use your freedom as a covering for evil, but use it as bond slaves of God. (I Peter 15-16)

—Jack Watts

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Dealing with Your Familial Dysfunction

 

Refer to Step 6: I refuse to become like those who have abused me and abandon my desire to spread malice because of my pain and my anger.

 

No matter how eloquently spoken, or sincerely intended, words tend to trivialize the pain that we cause one another.

—Chaplain John C. Fitts

I have always liked the story of David and Goliath—everybody does. What’s not to like about it? An underdog puts his complete confidence in God, faces a giant and prevails, practically effortlessly. It’s a great story of right triumphing over wrong—of good conquering evil. It’s a story that puts a smile on my face every time I hear it.

My experiences in recovery, however, are far different—far more complex. They are more like the troubles David had with his family after he became King. In these stories, even when he was triumphant, it often brought as much grief as it did joy.

There are two reasons. First, when intra-family disputes arise, right and wrong are never as clear as they were with David and Goliath. Second, there are no winners when the conflict is within the family. It isn’t that there are clear winners—nearly everybody is a clear loser, making such conflicts a war of attrition.

Unfortunately, most of the conflict experienced by people in recovery is with family members and close friends—not with evil villains like Goliath. This makes resolution very difficult. When family conflicts occur, recognizing God’s Will may be very difficult. Not only are there conflicting emotions involved but also the desired outcome is rarely as clear and easy as one would like.

When you find yourself in a situation like this, which is inevitable in recovery, try to do the right thing, at the right time, and for the right reason—no matter what that may be or how unpleasant it is. During the conflict, make sure you are never malicious—that you never deliberately harm another family member, including an ex-spouse. If you can do this, it’s probably the best that you will be able to do, but if you are successful at it, God will honor your fidelity.

To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. (I Peter 3:8-9)

—Jack Watts

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God’s Will Is Not Part of Your Grandiose Aspirations

 

Refer to Step 5: I recognize the only way back to a productive life is exactly the way I came. I have to repair my relationship with God and make amends with everyone I have wronged along the way.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

—George Elliott

Quite often, when a person invites Christ into his or her life, developing a relationship with God is perceived as having God as an ally—having Him in their corner so to speak. In the person’s simplicity and naiveté, their perception is that Almighty God is there to help them further their ends—to help them achieve their goals and aspirations. They operate under this delusion for a while—sometimes a long while—until their carefully constructed world begins to crumble.

Many things can shatter a person’s world, including religious abuse. More than anything else, religious abuse can knock the legs right out from under a person. When this happens, all of their grandiose aspirations seem to crumble as well.

It’s like blunt force trauma to a person, stopping them dead in their tracks, changing everything. It also knocks the grandiosity out of a person. When it happens, the abused person no longer has ends of his or her own to achieve. Their illusions about themselves have been dashed on the rocks, especially after having been subjected to shame, ridicule, and criticism.

Such a crushing experience impacts a person’s core emotions, producing bitterness, resentment, and a hard heart. Just when the person believes that nothing else good will ever come into their lives, Almighty God comes calling again. Beginning with a gentle whisper, He lets the person know they were traveling along their own road with their own goals, which were not His.

When that happens, at first the person is shocked, never having considered that he or she had been pursuing goals that were not aligned with God’s. As time goes on, however, and the relentless heartbreak of abusiveness takes its full toll upon the person; they become much more willing to listen to the voice of God.

“I permitted Myself to be sought by those who did not ask for Me; I permitted Myself to be found by those who did not seek Me. I said, ‘Here am I, here am I.’” (Isaiah 65:1)

—Jack Watts

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A Prayer: When Will Your Pruning of My Life Be Complete?

Father,

As I look about thoughtfully,

Appraising my circumstances,

Which are not what I had desired—

Not what I had planned at all—

I cannot fathom where You are leading,

Nor do I understand why I must travel

This journey in isolation, as a solitary figure.

I wanted my life to be completely different,

To be easier and more carefree,

But that has not been the path You chose for me.

As I see the smiling faces of others—

Those who talk about You as if they

Know You intimately, but do not,

I wonder why their lives seem to be

Free from disappointment and conflict,

While mine has been stressful and difficult.

I wonder if I will ever be stress free again?

Father, tell me when will Your pruning hand

Finish its relentless transformation of my life?

When will I awaken from darkness and despair,

To view a bright, sunny day, filled with promise—

Free from sorrow—free from loss?

When will You move in a mighty

Redemptive way, to strengthen me?

When will You say to my enemies,

This is my child—my beloved child.

Let all who wonder know that it is I—

The great ‘I Am’ who has done this work in him.

Father, I know You are in charge;

That You have numbered my days

And each of my years are in Your hand.

It is within Your power to change everything—

To allow my life to have far more meaning

Than it has ever had before.

Finish Your transformation quickly, Lord,

So that I can withstand the swirling wind

And foreboding clouds that surround me.

Taken from Real Prayers for real People with Real Problems

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Why Your Prayers Remain Unanswered

 

Refer to Step 11: I make a commitment to nurture my relationship with the Lord, asking Him to reveal His will to me and to provide me with the power to carry it out.

 

I strain toward God; God strains toward me. I ache for God; God aches for me. Prayer is mutual yearning, mutual straining, and mutual aching.

—Macrina Wiederkehr

If you travel in Christian circles, what is it that fellow believers most admire? Is it a person who is effective at evangelism? Is it someone who provides substantial financial support for the church? Is it someone who suffers and dies gracefully, never reproaching God for a difficult plight? Maybe it’s someone with the gift of service—someone who helps others as part of the church’s community outreach?

While all of these things are admired, I believe the quality most admired is when someone always seems to have his or her prayers answered. This, more than any other quality, appears to be universally admired. The reason for such esteem is simple: most people rarely have their prayers answered. They say they do, but they don’t.

In modern Christendom, the whole concept of prayer has become distorted and flawed. Prayer isn’t getting an answer from God; prayer is becoming one with God. It’s to help you think like He does. When your prayers go “seemingly” unanswered, you need to dig deeper into the matter until you understand what God is trying to teach you.

When the Lord prayed, He never wondered whether or not the Father would answer Him. God always did, and Christ knew that He would. It’s the same for all of God’s children. He always answers our prayers, but He almost never answers them in the ways we predict. This doesn’t reveal God’s limitation but ours. His ways and thoughts are higher than our ways and thoughts.

Therefore, when it seems like you are praying to a brick wall, there’s a reason for it. Instead of getting frustrated or mad, it’s far wiser to change the way you are praying. Rather than praying for your desired result, start praying to understand what God is trying to teach you. If you do, your growth will be exponential. If you don’t, you’ll remain frustrated and immature.

And in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray was we should, but he Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep to for words; and He who searches the hears knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. (Romans 8:26-27)

—Jack Watts   Real Prayers for Real People with Real Problems

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Learning to Listen

 

Refer to Step 8: I will share my experience and my own wrongdoing with a trusted friend, confessing the exact state of my heart.

 

When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.

—Ernest Hemingway

 

Perhaps the greatest service you can provide to another human being is to listen to them—to listen to what they are really saying. In Christian circles, the art of listening is not promoted as much as it should be. For those of us who have worked the 11 Steps to recovering from religious abuse, however, there is very little that is as important as listening. We know how life is for those who have had their walk with the lord derailed by an abuser.

Because it has happened to us, we are well positioned to help others get back on track with the Lord. The importance of developing good listening skills cannot be overestimated. When someone is abused, he or she routinely resorts to self-defeating behavior to medicate their pain. This behavior—whether it involves sex, alcohol, drugs, pornography, over spending, or over eating—creates feelings of guilt and low self-esteem in the life of the abused person, making them feel like they are as worthless as their abuser told them they were.

Experiencing a mountain of guilt—based on their behavior—the abused person becomes extremely self-protective. They also become reluctant to open up to anybody, especially to a Christian. They are fearful of further abuse and of being judged harshly. They may talk but, more often than not, they will never open up willingly or their vulnerable hearts.

You have to earn that right, and the only was to do so is by listening to them. Once you have established trust, they will open up to you much more freely. Because there is such a need, those of us in recovery must be quick to listen, while never being judgmental of the wounded person. If you can learn to do this, you will be of great value to the Lord. Remember, He already has plenty of people who are quick to condemn those who are wounded and hurting.

This you know, my beloved brethren. But let every one be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. (James 1:19)

—Jack Watts

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Making Amends Changes You

 

Refer to Step 5: I recognize that the only way back to a productive life is exactly the way I came. Therefore, I commit to repairing my relationship with God and making amends with everyone I have wronged along the way.

 

A decision is only becomes real when you have acted upon it. If there is no action, your decision isn’t real.

—Jack Watts

After making an apology for poor behavior, there’s an overwhelming sense of relief, which leaves you feeling calm—lighter than air. You say to yourself, “That wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it was going to be.” If that was all there was to it, you would be correct, but there’s another part that’s more difficult—much more difficult. It’s making amends for what you’ve done wrong.

For example, if someone treated you unkindly, and you’ve maligned that person’s character in response, essentially bearing false witness, an appropriate amend would be to go back to those you have deceived to set the record straight. This is necessary in spite of what has been done to you. That’s because you’re the one in recovery, making you responsible for your behavior and not for the behavior of the other person.

Resolving a situation like this is never an easy task. Receiving forgiveness from someone by making an apology is comparatively easy to making amends that fit the situation. Additionally, making amends runs counter to our prevailing American culture. We want to ask forgiveness while skipping restitution. By believing an apology is all that’s required, you might think you’re avoiding the hardest part, but you’re also relinquishing your right to a profound blessing.

This is where substantive change in your character can occur. For that to happen, however, you have to travel the full distance and make amends for your behavior. In essence, you’re saying, “I used to be this way, but no longer. As part of my apology to you, I make a commitment to never behave like this again. To prove my sincerity, I’m also going back to the people I’ve deceived about you, and I’m going to tell them the truth. I’m sorry. It will never happen again.” Then do it.

Making amends like this is difficult, but it’s what changes you, producing real and substantive character transformation. By doing this, you refuse to circumvent the truth. You refuse to deflect. You refuse to practice denial.

When you face the truth courageously, remember that God has your back every step of the way. Responding like this will change you from the inside out. It’s where recovery principles weave themselves into the fabric of your being, and you start to grow into the person you’re meant to be.

Let him who steals steal no longer; but rather let him labor, performing with his own hands what is good, in order that he may gave something to share with him who has need. Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:28-29)

—Jack Watts

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