Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for December, 2010


Father,

In my pain and anguish,

When my heart was broken,

And I thought darkness would overwhelm me,

I felt lost and all alone, but I wasn’t.

Despite how I felt, You were there with me,

Diligently working in my heart,

Stripping me of my pretense,

Stripping me of my arrogance,

Stripping me of my self-serving ways,

Each of which had made a wasteland of my life.

Although Your child, I had no concern or awareness

Of the direction You intended for me.

My only concern was relief from my discomfort,

But Your purpose was far greater than mine.

I thought my anguish would never end

And that I would not smile at the future again,

But I was wrong about that, as well.

I knew the desire of my heart

And asked You repeatedly to grant it,

But You never did, which still saddens me.

What I have gained through my loss, however,

Has had more value than I ever imagined.

Out of the abyss, You have raised me up,

Placed my feet on solid, immovable rock,

And strengthened me with power in

The inner man—at the center of my being.

No longer fearful or timid, I’m resolute and confident.

Instead of apprehension, I am calm, strong, and sane.

And it’s all because You have changed my heart—

Transforming my perspective about what has value.

Without Your loving, consistent care,

I would never have learned my lessons

And would have been destined to repeat my mistakes

Over and over again, like an unreasoning animal

And not like a man—not like a child of the King.

To redeem what I had completely wasted,

You reached into the pit—into the mire

And emotional carnage of my life—

Redeeming my future by giving me hope.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »


Father,

I’m praying because I know I should,

Not because I really want to.

I can do things for myself.

I always have—always will.

I don’t need Your help—not really.

“Bring it on,” is my motto.

In my heart, this is how I feel

Nearly all of the time.

I’m not trying to hurt anybody,

But I don’t really trust others either—

Not even You, Lord, not even You.

Gritting my teeth obstinately,

I boast, “I can handle anything.”

Then, You allow adversity to reign over me.

Fighting You every step of the way,

I refuse to learn the lesson I’m being taught.

It’s who I am, or—at least—the way I’ve become.

Undaunted, You turn the pressure up further,

And I wince at the discomfort

But still will not yield—not yet.

I still have so much fight left in me.

I cannot submit; I will not submit.

Then, You double the pressure, redoubling it once again.

Finally, when I can stand no more,

I break—just a little, and in bewildered distress,

Cry out, “Lord? What have I done?”

As if completely innocent, I ask, “Why is this happening?”

Revealing Your purpose, You let me know

How much my world needed shaking.

Finally, coming to the end of my obstinacy,

In submission, I acknowledge what I should have earlier,

“Your will is my will. Do with me as You please.”

Read Full Post »


Father,

Nothing is as I had wanted it,

As I thought it would be,

As I believed I had been promised.

Perhaps my aspirations were nothing more

Than my own wishful thinking,

But the despair from my failure is real.

Nothing could be more real

Than how heartbroken I am,

Knowing my life didn’t have to be this way.

As a youth, when I turned my life,

My will and my purpose,

Over to You for safekeeping,

I believed I would experience abundance,

But that has not been my lot—not even close.

It seems like I have failed

At everything I’ve been called to do,

And when I’ve needed You the most,

It seems like You have been very distant.

My enemies delight at my misfortune.

The pain from their sharp, cutting looks

Is ever before me, stinging and infuriating me,

But also crushing my soul and my spirit,

Derailing my efforts to get back on my feet.

Those I’ve trusted have used and discarded me,

Rejecting me without a backward glance.

Like a fool, I never saw it coming.

As I recoil from my wounds,

I call on Your name, but You are not close;

At least, I don’t feel Your presence.

I didn’t want to fail, Father.

You know that I didn’t—but I have,

And I can’t change the outcome.

Many doors are now closed,

But my life is not yet finished,

And other opportunities will eventuate.

When they do, help me learn

All the lessons I need to know.

I don’t want to ever be in this

Hopeless, tortured place again—

Where life seems to hold no promise.

Read Full Post »


Father,

Having been wounded at the core of my being,

I have stopped seeking You—

Stopped praying, stopped looking to You

For wisdom, guidance, and discernment.

I haven’t wanted anything to do with You.

I’ve been so angry, so hurt, so humiliated.

In my pain, I have acted in shameful ways,

Which I want to keep secret

And hide from You and everybody else.

I didn’t intend to be like this—

To become the person I know I am,

But my sins have exceeded my coping capacity,

And I am unable to control myself,

Which I foolishly believed I could.

My self-defeating behavior controls me,

And I can no longer hide from the truth.

I am weary of hanging my head in shame—

Of churning my anger and bitterness within me.

I know that I have fed my rebelliousness,

But I don’t want the future to be controlled by my past.

I want to change—to regain control of my life.

I am in a deep pit, from which there seems no escape.

I have often blamed others for my plight,

Choosing to embrace the role of a victim,

Convincing myself that I have been faultless,

But I can no longer justify my self-serving behavior.

I have been wrong and need to admit it to You and myself.

Help me end my self-defeating behavior.

Then, cleanse me and restore me to wholeness.

Read Full Post »


Father,

I know You haven’t given me

A spirit of fear.

Your Word assures me

That You haven’t,

But that doesn’t mean

I’m not fearful. I am.

Sometimes, my fear is so consuming

That it sends a cold chill

Through my body,

Through my soul,

Through the essence of my being.

On the outside, it doesn’t show,

But on the inside,

Which is tender and vulnerable,

I am undone.

Every fiber of my being

Quakes with dread,

Consuming me with foreboding.

When will it ever end?

When will my heart knows peace?

When will terror of the unknown

Cease to grip my soul,

Tossing me about,

Robbing me of sleep,

Robbing me of purpose,

Robbing me of a purposeful life.

You know me intimately, Lord.

You know the thoughts

And the intentions of my heart.

But I can’t find You in this dismal pit,

Which has become my life.

Tell me, will I find joy once more?

Will I regain my confidence?

Will I smile at the future once again?

Or is this my lot—my portion,

And my destiny forever?

Will my future be short and grim?

Will my disquietude ever abate?

Will tranquility be mine again

Or nothing more than a distant memory?

The answers are not in my hands.

I have no control, and my fear

Robs me of my faith in You,

Which I do not want,

But I know not how to overcome.

You see me as I really am

And not how I pretend to be.

Rescue me, Lord.

Rescue me quickly,

Lest my fear consume all of what

You have built into my heart for years.

Read Full Post »


Father,

I’m so grateful for all that you have done,

So honored that you would love me,

And be mindful of my needs.

On my best days,

When I am at peace and rest—

When I am confident that You are in charge

And that I need not worry,

I know how blessed I am.

Help me live like that each day.

Help me show others that You care

And that You are available.

Let people see by my actions

That I have confidence in You;

That Your ways are always the best;

Always the wisest and most fruitful.

Teach me to not be boastful or arrogant;

And let pride be far from me,

Knowing that this too would be my witness;

Pushing those You care about away from You,

Rather than drawing them nearer.

Help me be mindful that

Whatever I do—good or bad—

It is a reflection of who You are.

Read Full Post »


Father,

In my pain and anguish,

When my heart was broken,

And I thought darkness would overwhelm me,

I felt so lost and all alone, but I wasn’t.

Despite my anxiety, You were there with me,

Diligently working in my heart,

Stripping me of all of my pretense,

Scourging me of all of my arrogance,

Revealing each of my self-serving ways,

Which have made my life a wasteland.

For so long, I had no concern or awareness

About anything You desired for me to do.

My only care was relief for my tormented soul,

But Your concern was far greater and deeper.

I thought my anguish would never end

And that I would never smile at the future,

But I was completely mistaken.

In my anguish, I revealed the desire of my heart

Asking You repeatedly to grant it,

But You never would, which still grieves me.

But what I have gained through my loss

May have more value than I ever imagined.

Out of my painful abyss, You have raised me up,

Placing my feet on solid, immovable ground,

Which has strengthened me with power

In the inner man—at the core of my being.

No longer fearful and timid, I’m peaceful and confident.

Instead of fretful apprehension filling my hours,

My countenance has become calm, strong, and sane.

It’s because You have changed my heart—

Completely transforming my perspective.

Without Your loving, consistent care,

I would never have learned my lessons,

And would have been destined

To repeat my mistakes endlessly,

Like an unreasoning animal

And not like a man—

Not like a child of the King.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »