Archive for November, 2011

“I am broken glass in the dark but when ‘The Son’ shines through………….I am a glistening chandelier”This quote came together as two dear friends talked about their struggles and how the world may see us or even how we may see ourselves. The broken glass in the dark is the past—the mess, the hurts, the damage and how others may see me. God reached for me and I couldn’t deny His irresistible grace and now I am a beautiful daughter of the King. I am truly His handiwork, and I am thankful for where I have been because it has made me who I am now. I am a jewel in my Father’s eyes.

I haven’t always felt this way and, in the past, I have allowed the words of others to break me down. Just like the scriptures say, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit,” Proverbs 18:21.

Feeling the death of others words was literally killing me inside. “He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps,” Psalm 40:2.

Now, I feel the life of God’s words and Promises. He has been creating in me a new heart. I do know I am far from being done, but I am further than I was yesterday.

Thank you Lord for your saving Grace.

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Breaking the cycle of abuse is the key to moving ahead in life. For this to happen, someone has to make a stand for the truth, which is what Evelyn has done. Although her life has been difficult for an extended period, the following story indicates how far she has come. She wrote to me:

Thanks so much for always sharing your life and your pain and your stories. You are truly an open book. I appreciate everything you share!! Thank you!! I am so thankful I came across you by accident (which we know it’s not).

I pray God will bless everything you put your hands to and that He will always get the Glory. That is how I see my life too, the handiwork of God.

My boys got a phone call from their dad yesterday and a little later, the youngest said, “Mom, I think I know why God let us go through this with our Dad, is so we can be a better Dad.” Powerful and so thankful he sees it. I have always said, that is what I take away from my terrible relationship with my Mom, she has made me want to be a better Mom. God is just so Amazing! I love it when my boys see truth!

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THIS IS MELISSA’S STORY OF RECOVERY, WRITTEN IN HER OWN WORDS.STEP 3:  3. I accept that the responsibility for getting back on track is mine and no one else’s.
Week 3 of Recovering from Religious Abuse” has been a challenge for me. At the beginning, I felt this section really did not apply to me or my life. I was somewhat wrong about this, and I have spent more time on this week than the prior two.

It has turned my mind to graffiti which I find to be an interesting. and somewhat unique and beautiful art. Well, some of it is. When I was living in the city, it was everywhere but here in the country I seldom see it. It is, however, here. There is a train track that I have to cross when leaving town and there are always rail cars sitting there. The other day, I noticed remnants of graffiti which, clearly, someone had tried unsuccessfully to remove. I know it has to be sandblasted, and often, remnants remain.

I have been married twice and twice divorced. In working this section of “Recovery From Religious Abuse” something popped up. It is a very old “something” which I have not thought of in years but it came back just as though someone held a cue card before my face.

Both of my ex- husbands made the EXACT same statement to me. It was “No one will ever love you”.

Being a woman today, who is no longer needy, has learned to forgive and to make amends, I was surprised to find this issue resurfaced. “No one will ever love you”. I can actually see the colors of green outlined in blue – graffiti spray painted on the walls of my heart…”No one will ever love you”. Wow! Where DID this come from?

Over the years, I have learned to hate the sin, yet love the sinner. I know that wounded people attract wounded people. I understand and have received God’s healing, so it took me a few days to understand why this came up.

It all began very early – perhaps even at my birth and I have to admit that I have wondered what my life would have been like had I been taught from the very beginning the truth of God’s love. I sang those songs “Jesus Loves Me” and “Jesus Loves the Little Children” but I was so scared of Him and so confused that I never really understood the “love” part. Had I known the “love of God” rather than the fear I am certain I would have made different choices in life, not to mention the men I married. But I didn’t and that is the past. But then again, it is also the beginning, isn’t it?

In the front of my Bible is a yellow sticky note. Written by my sister are these words “I never knew the love of a Heavenly Daddy, just the fear of an angry God”. I think of my daddy who was such a wonderful man yet wore the cloak of condemnation and fear. Daddies wrap their babies in blankets made from the same fabric as those cloaks. We pass the torch from generation to generation even if it scorches everything it touches.

So this is about love for me. This is about a new understanding that I am truly LOVED by my Heavenly Daddy and that is the one love I have always needed and desired. I have blamed others in my life but honestly, in this situation, I cannot place blame. I have to call it ignorance and ignorance is easy to forgive.

This is also about worth – self worth. It is not about a just a joyful exterior but about a worthwhile woman within.

For the past couple of days, I have been singing the song, .”I have a Heavenly Father Above, with eyes full of mercy and a heart full of love…”

So I am still movin’ forward….Thank you Father….

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I’ve come before You so many times,

To tell You about my life—

About my woes, my heartaches and my failures.

I have come to tell You who I really am—sort of.

I want You to know me, but only from my perspective,

Which certainly is not be an accurate picture.

I know that. That’s why I tell You

About myself in bits and pieces.

But now that my situation has become

Too much for me to bear—too much to shoulder;

I’m forced to be completely honest and forthright.

Until now, my admissions have been begrudging.

I’ve refused to consider that more was needed—

That a complete cleansing of my soul was required.

As I continue on my journey to recovery,

I want to unburden myself from all my shame,

All my guilt, and everything that has enslaved me.

Doing so, however, seems like such a daunting task.

There’s so much there. I know it, and so do You.

Father, that’s why I need Your guidance.

Only You can help me be completely forthright

With myself as well as with others in my life.

As I begin to journal my unvarnished inventory,

Provide me courage to be thorough and transparent.

Give me the grit and determination I need get it all out,

As well as the discipline necessary to be thorough and complete.

As I begin this process, my insides are churning,

Because I’ve loved the darkness rather than the light,

Even though I pretend to others that I do not.

Father, without Your help, I can’t change a thing.

I know that but, with You empowering and guiding me,

I’ll do my best to be strong, courageous, and thorough.

Now, with Your help, let’s begin.

When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night Thy hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer. I acknowledged my sin to Thee, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord;” and Thou didst forgive the guilt of my sin. (Psalm 32:3-5)

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This is a story that is so relevant. My heart aches for her.

Jack, like the girl in this story, I was molested also from ages 6-to-11, but I forgave my stepdad—with the Lords help. He lived in CA, and in 07 he moved here to be around his kids. But died of liver cancer May 08; he was 56.

Someone might think, “Man, that’s hard to forgive someone of molesting you;” but not when you have the Lord on your side, it’s possible. Like others, all those feelings and everything that other woman says in her story, that’s me also. Even though I have forgiven my daddy, I still have flashbacks and have thoughts about it and what happened.

It’s hard being a person that’s been molested cuz you see all your church family be close to the Lord, but no matter how I try, I cant do that cuz when I was growing up, I didnt have a good relationship with my dad. So, its hard for me to trust the Lord.

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I want to control the outcome

Of events that impact my life.

You know that the desire of my heart

Is for You to orchestrate circumstances,

Which will allow me to have my own way.

When that doesn’t happen,

Which seems to occur far too often,

I become sulky, peevish, and petulant.

I resent that You will not make Your will conform to mine,

Even though that might not be the best thing for me.

When I behave like a child, I think like one as well,

But I don’t realize how juvenile I have become.

It never occurs to me until after my fretful emotions

Have run the gambit and I am spent—

Emotionally exhausted from dictating to You.

At the end of it all—like always—

I become contrite and sorrowful,

Realizing that You are God, and I am not.

Forgive me for my waywardness, and restore

A sense of humility and compliance to me.

Teach me to focus on my role,

Which is doing the next right thing,

Regardless of what that might be

Rather than the things I can control—

Which is clearly Your domain.

I know, O Lord, that a man’s way is not in himself; nor is it in a man who walks to direct his steps. Correct me, O Lord, but with justice; not with Thy anger, lest Thou bring me to nothing. (Jeremiah 10:23-24)

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You know how badly I have been abused.

I’ve reluctantly told You about being molested,

But I feel so ashamed and unworthy

To come before you about what has happened.

I don’t want anyone to know my dark secret,

Which I have guarded and protected from the light.

Now that it has been a while since my molestation,

Everybody else seems to have progressed

With their lives—everybody except for me.

I remain stuck in my debilitating mindset,

Which has not changed appreciably,

Despite the passage of so much time.

It’s infuriating and unfair that I’m the one

Who continues to experience so much pain.

My abuser—who used and then discarded me—

Should be the ones to pay, but he haven’t.

I’m the one that continues to languish,

Unable to move forward with my life—

Unable to experience peace, love, and joy.

I know my bitter resentment is not hurting him.

I’m only hurting myself and those around me.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair at all,

But I can no longer live like this.

I don’t want to waste my future harboring resentment,

Rehashing my drama repeatedly in my mind,

But it’s going to be difficult to move forward.

My life is a mess, and I know how far I have drifted.

I didn’t realize how willful I had become,

But now I do. It becomes clearer to me each day.

I have blamed my abuser for so long,

That bitterness seems normal—even comfortable,

Which frightens me for what my life will become.

Show me how to find my way back to You.

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