I know You want me to trust You completely,
And I do—at least, most of the time.
Because of what has hurt me so deeply,
Coupled with of my feelings of worthlessness,
I still struggle to believe that You love me—
That You accept me just the way I am,
Regardless of how wayward I have been.
I don’t see how You could—not really.
Perhaps that’s why I whine and remain timid,
Even though Your desire is for me
To be resilient, strong, and self-assured.
I desire inner strength, but that is rarely an option.
Father, how could You love someone like me?
That You do is a truth I cannot comprehend.
Such love and acceptance is beyond my grasp.
Your word says You love me despite everything,
Even when my self-defeating behavior
Consumes me and has dominion over my life.
As I recognize how faithful You are,
My trust increases and becomes sounder,
But it still isn’t where it needs to be—not really.
I pretend to be strong—to be supremely confident,
But I’m not nearly the person on the inside
That I appear to be on the outside.
I profess to be what I am not—
To be far more secure than I really am.
I even try to fool myself,
But You know each of my frailties,
Which I attempt to mask and to hide.
I don’t know why You care so much about me,
When I don’t care that much about myself.
This is a mystery I doubt I will ever grasp.
In my quiet moments, which I attempt to avoid,
I try to comprehend such love and caring,
But I simply cannot.
O Lord, Thou hast searched me and known me. Thou does know when I sit down and when I rise up; Thou dost understand my thought from afar. Thou dost scrutinize my path and my lying down, and art intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, behold, O Lord, Thou dost know it all. Thou hast enclosed me behind and before, and laid Thy hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is to high, I cannot attain to it. (Psalm 139:1-6)