I know You want me to trust You completely,
And I do—at least, some of the time.
Because of the things that have hurt me so deeply,
Coupled with of my struggles with feeling worthless,
I struggle to believe that You really love me—
That You accept me just the way I am,
Regardless of how wayward I have been.
I don’t see how You could or why You would want to.
Perhaps this is why I whine and remain timid,
Even though Your desire is for me to be
Strong, confident, and self-assured, which I am not.
I desire inner strength, but this is rarely an option.
Father, how could You love someone like me?
I simply cannot comprehend this; it is beyond me.
Such love surpasses my ability to understand or grasp.
Your word says You love me despite everything,
Even when my self-defeating behavior
Has held dominion over me for so long.
As I recognize how faithful You are,
My trust increases and becomes sounder,
But it still isn’t where it needs to be—not really.
I pretend to be strong—to be supremely confident,
But I’m not nearly the person on the inside
That I appear to be on the outside.
I profess to be what I am not—
To be far more secure than I really am.
I even try to fool myself,
But You know each of my frailties,
Which I attempt to mask and conceal from others.
I don’t know why You care about me so much,
When I don’t even care that much about myself.
This is a mystery I doubt I will never grasp,
But I’m humbly grateful that You do.
In my quiet moments, which I attempt to avoid,
I try to comprehend such love and caring, but I cannot.
All I can do is accept that it is true, and I do,
Amen.
—Jack Watts