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Archive for the ‘12 Steps’ Category


MY PRAYER: Father,
In my pain and my anguish—
When my heart was broken
And darkness threatened to overwhelm me—
I felt so lost and abandoned, but I wasn’t.
Despite my anxiety and my trembling heart,
You were there, never leaving my side,
Diligently working within my heart,
Stripping me of all of my pretense,
Scourging me of all of my arrogance,
And revealing each of my self-serving ways,
Which have made my life a wasteland.
For so long, I had no concern or awareness
About anything You desired for my life.
My only purpose was to find relief from my torment,
But Your determined pruning has run far deeper
Than anything I could have imagined or even conceived.
I thought my anguish would never end,
And I would never be able to smile at the future again.
In my distress, I enumerated the desires of my heart,
Repeatedly asking You to grant my wishes,
But You never would, which compounded my sorrow.
What I have gained through my loss, though,
May have been the most valuable lesson of my life.
Out of my pain and ennui, You have raised me up,
Placing my feet on solid, immovable ground,
Strengthening me with power in the inner man,
And made me sound at the core of my being.
No longer fearful or timid, I am peaceful and confident.
Instead of filling my hours with fretful apprehensions,
My state of mind has become peaceful and serene.
None of this would have taken place,
If You had not changed my heart’s desire,
Irreversibly transforming my perspective.
Without Your loving, consistent attentiveness,
I would never have learned my lessons.
Instead, I would have been destined
To repeat my mistakes endlessly,
Like an unreasoning animal
Rather than like a beloved child of the King,
Amen.

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MY PRAYER: Father,
Understanding Your leading is not always difficult.
You are crystal clear about so many things—
About honesty, fidelity, and caring for others.
With these, it is impossible to misunderstand Your will,
But most of life isn’t this simple—
Nor is Your will that easy to discern.
It is not always crystal clear—
Not black and white—which I wish it would be.
Instead, it is varying hues of gray, making choices perplexing.
It seems like I am never clear about Your leading,
And yet You expect me to follow You blindly,
Putting my trust in You without reservation.
As I try to discern Your purpose, I have been forced
To step out in faith and be bold many times,
Without any idea of what the future might hold,
Or of what the results of my actions would be.
Nothing ever seems to end the way I think it should,
Or the way I thought it would, forcing me to wonder
If I have understood You accurately. Instead, I wonder
If have I done nothing more than project my desires,
Calling them Your will, when they really were not.
As I walk by faith, I rarely receive the answers I expect,
Which You could easily disclose but never seem to do.
I look at my situation, demanding to know the outcome,
While You already knowing what that will be.
Your ways are beyond my capacity to discern.
As others view my life, scornfully mocking,
Delighting at what seems like my certain failure,
I can count on the assurance of Your guidance.
You know what You have planned for my life.
No matter how contemptuously others view my plight,
From the depth of my soul, Your voice
Reassures me that You are in charge.
You are God Almighty, and I am not.
As I acquiesce, my soul is quieted, and I become still.
When I obediently release the outcome to You,
I accept that I may look foolish to many,
Especially on the outside; but on the inside—
Where it really counts, I’m becoming incredibly strong
In ways that are destined to have value for me and for others,
Amen.

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God is interested in us being forthright—not in us being piously pretentious. God loathes hypocrisy—just like most of us do. He definitely understands adversity though, having experienced it through the suffering of His Son. This means God can and does empathize with each of us. This makes Him fully capable of meeting us exactly where we are, regardless of our situation, despite the level of our dysfunction. As difficult as it may seem to believe, He loves each of us exactly the way we are.

Recognizing this, while also coming to terms with it, is why I wrote Conquering Negative Self-Talk. It’s for wounded, hurting people—people just like you and me. It’s for those who believe they have very little to offer. It’s for people who have been crushed—for those who have had life knock the wind out of their sails. It’s for people who are in pain—for those who desire to reach out to God but lack the necessary words to express their deepest heartaches, apprehensions, and misgivings. Actually, this self-help workbook can benefit just about anybody, but it is especially useful for alcoholics, drug addicts, and codependents. So, if you are looking for something that will improve your life—a resource that will point you to God in the midst of crushing circumstances, when your self-worth is virtually non-existent, Conquering Negative Self-Talk is definitely for you.

 

 

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The self-worth of alcoholics and addicts is very low, even if their outward behavior appears to be confident, self-assured, and upbeat. This is an illusion. Their lives are filled with guilt, shame, self-loathing, and self-condemnation. Some choose to blame others for their lot in life, doing their best to excuse themselves from being responsible for unacceptable behavior, but this doesn’t work well. Blaming others rarely does, and it certainly isn’t emotionally healthy.

Many live in denial, refusing to admit who they really are and what they have become. They desperately try to convince others their situation is not as bad as it is, going to extraordinary lengths to do so—often comparing themselves favorably to someone who is far worse off than they are. Somehow, this makes them feel better about themselves—at least for a while. They do this, even when the destruction from their lifestyle is obvious to everyone around them, especially to those who refuse to take their delusional thinking at face value.

Whether people trapped by their addictions are willing to admit it or not, their self-talk is nearly always negative. Even if it doesn’t appear to be this way outwardly, negativity reigns in their hearts, regularly informing them they have no worth. Believing they are of no value is a constant theme for alcoholics, drug addicts, and codependents—it’s never far from their minds. They routinely accept self-condemning disaffirmations as being accurate, whether self-imposed or from others.

Addictions are destructive, especially to a person’s body, but physical health isn’t all that is destroyed. Inwardly, because addictions wound a person’s soul, the damage can be even more extensive. Addictions empower negativity, feeding low self-esteem. They disaffirm a person’s self-worth constantly, making meaningful recovery virtually impossible.
In their minds, alcoholics, addicts, and codependents repeatedly tell themselves:

—I’m no good.
—I hate myself.
—Nobody cares about me.
—I have no value.
—Life has no meaning.
—I don’t want to go on like this.

Wounded people repeat these messages in their mind regularly. Such destructive thinking, which addictive people firmly believe to be accurate—regardless of what they say outwardly—makes it more difficult for them to break free from their enslaving lifestyles.

An addict’s only freedom from negativity comes while he or she is using. Booze and drugs make addicts feel okay—even if it’s just for a short period. It’s why they use. It’s their way to escape the realities of life. It’s also why they gravitate to the seamier side of life, where their dysfunction is accepted as normal. Sometimes, it is even be championed.

When an alcoholic or addict’s standard “fix” stops working, they use more, believing this will do the trick, which it does for a while. Then, it doesn’t. Finally, fixes stop working altogether and never work again.

This leaves alcoholics and users in a desperate situation. This is when their lives spin out of control, and their behavior reflects it. Despite the negative consequences of their actions, the addict is powerless to stop drinking or drugging. They have become ruled and enslaved by their addiction or cross-addictions. They need help, and Conquering Negative Self-Talk can help provide it.

 

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CONQUERING NEGATIVE SELF-TALK—with a THROWBACK THURSDAY photo:

Life can be very difficult, especially for someone who is using. That addicted people need God’s help is obvious, or at least it should be. Nearly everybody who has been in recovery for any length of time acknowledges this. Living life on life’s terms can be tough for anybody, but especially for those trapped by their addictions. For these people, adversity can become overwhelming and debilitating. Their coping skills simply do not allow them to deal with life’s problems in an effective way.

Instead of accepting the responsibility for their actions, they make the choice to use—to act out. By not dealing with their problems appropriately, they create additional problems. This isn’t what they want, but it is what happens. As a result, family dysfunction and work related difficulties inevitably follow, creating a vicious, destructive cycle that affects people’s lives adversely.
Unable to cope with stress and difficulties in healthy ways, millions medicate their problems with alcohol, drugs, excessive prescriptions, inappropriate sexual relationships, over-eating, over-spending, and numerous other addictive vices. As they see it, it’s their only solution, their only alternative, and their only way out of intolerable situations.

Drinking and drugging provide these people with an unhealthy way to cope with life—a one-day reprieve from facing their troubles. It’s a quick fix that works for the moment, but in the long run, it creates far more problems than it solves. Those who choose to pursue this path cease to live lives that are meaningful. Instead, they simply exist from one day to the next, and the destructiveness of their behavior creates dysfunction for everyone who loves them. It also makes healthy people codependent by the millions—an unintended but predictable consequence.

The self-worth of alcoholics and addicts is very low, even if their outward behavior appears to be confident, self-assured, and upbeat. This is an illusion. Their lives are filled with guilt, shame, self-loathing, and self-condemnation. Some choose to blame others for their lot in life, doing their best to excuse themselves from being responsible for unacceptable behavior, but this doesn’t work well. Blaming others rarely does, and it certainly isn’t emotionally healthy.
Many live in denial, refusing to admit who they really are and what they have become. They desperately try to convince others their situation is not as bad as it is, going to extraordinary lengths to do so—often comparing themselves favorably to someone who is far worse off than they are. Somehow, this makes them feel better about themselves—at least for a while. They do this, even when the destruction from their lifestyle is obvious to everyone around them, especially to those who refuse to take their delusional thinking at face value.

Whether people trapped by their addictions are willing to admit it or not, their self-talk is nearly always negative. Even if it doesn’t appear to be this way outwardly, negativity reigns in their hearts, regularly informing them they have no worth. Believing they are of no value is a constant theme for alcoholics, drug addicts, and codependents—it’s never far from their minds. They routinely accept self-condemning disaffirmations as being accurate, whether self-imposed or from others.

 

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MY PRAYER: Father,

I’ve wanted relationships and possessions

That You have not intended for me to have.

I have wanted them so badly that

I’ve come before You repeatedly—

Pleading, begging, whining, and carping—

Beseeching You to grant my desires.

But all You have done is say, “No.”

Refusing to accept Your answer as final,

I have continued my relentless badgering,

Insisting that You make my will be Your own.

In my willfulness and stubbornness, I maintained

That right was wrong, and wrong was right,

While deceiving myself into actually believing

My purposes were noble, honorable, and altruistic.

In my foolishness, I have done my best

To convince myself that my way has been righteous,

But You remained unmoved, refusing to acquiesce.

Still unwilling to accept Your will over my own,

I manipulated events until frustration

And exhaustion finally overwhelmed me,

But You never budged or wavered in Your decision.

 

Now, at the end of all my peevish fretting,

I bow my knee and accept Your decision.

“No” it is, and “No” it shall be forevermore.

There are still parts of me that regret this,

But You are Almighty God, and I am not.

Now that I have resubmitted myself

To Your leadership, rather than to my own,

I have begun to view my situation differently.

No longer reluctant to be submissive, I acknowledge

That Your way is superior to my own,

Which I should have done from the beginning,

Amen.

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MY PRAYER: Father,

Nothing is how I planned it to be,

As I thought it would be,

As I believed it was promised by You.

Perhaps my aspirations were nothing more

Than my own self-serving, wishful thinking,

But the despair from my failure is real.

Nothing could be more real

Than how brokenhearted I am,

Knowing that my life didn’t have

To unfold the way that it has.

 

As a youth, when I turned my life,

My will, my heart, and my purpose

Over to You for Your safekeeping,

I believed I would experience nothing but abundance,

Carefree living, and smooth sailing, but this

Has certainly not been my experience—not even close.

It seems like I have failed at each turn,

With everything I have chosen to do.

Even worse, when I’ve needed You the most,

It seems like You have become more distant than ever.

My enemies delight at my misfortune.

The pain from their sharp, demeaning remarks never abates.

Each one stings, crushing my soul and wounding my spirit,

While derailing my resolve to become strong and purposeful.

Those I’ve trusted have used and misused me,

Rejecting me without cause—never casting a backward glance.

 

Like a fool, I never fathomed what was happening.

As I recoiled from my wounds, filled with despair,

I called upon You, but You were nowhere to be found.

I didn’t want to fail, Father, but I have.

I know I have, and I can’t change the past or what has occurred.

My history is what it is, and it will always remain so.

Many doors have now been closed to me,

But my journey is not yet complete.

Other opportunities will eventuate, but unless

You teach me through my mistakes,

I will never learn my lessons. Instead, I will be doomed

To replicate my errors and remain devoid of discernment.

Help me gain wisdom from my current situation, Father,

Because I don’t want to be in this hopeless, tortured position again,

Amen.

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MY PRAYER: Father,

I’m praying because I know I should,

Not because it is heartfelt.

I can do things for myself.

I always have—always will.

I don’t need Your help—not really.

“Bring it on,” is my motto.

In my heart, this is how I feel—

At least, more often than not.

I’m certainly not trying to hurt anybody,

But I really don’t trust people either—

Not even You, Lord, not even You.

As I grit my teeth obstinately,

With insolence and arrogance,

I convince myself that I can handle anything.

Then, You allow adversity to have full reign over me,

Shaking me at the core of my existence.

Defiantly, I fight You each step of the way,

Refusing to learn the lessons I am being taught.

 

My headstrong attitude defines who I am.

Undaunted by my inflexibility,

You increase the pressure on me,

And I wince and whine at the discomfort,

But I will not yield—not yet.

I still have too much fight left in me.

I cannot submit; I will not submit!

Then, You double the pressure, redoubling it again.

Finally, when I can stand no more,

I break—just a little and, in my bewildered distress,

I cry out, “Why me, Father? What have I done?”

As if completely innocent, I whine, “Why is this happening?”

Revealing Your purpose, You allow me to recognize

Just how much my world required shaking.

Finally, coming to the end of my intransigence,

I acknowledge what I should have earlier.

Your will, and not my self-indulged will, is what I need.

Do with me as You please, Lord, I finally acknowledge,

For You are Almighty God, and I am not,

Amen

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MY PRAYER: Father,

The wounds from my mistreatment run deep,

Creating anger, frustration, and an overwhelming

Sense of worthlessness that

Enervates every area of my life.

With my mouth, I refuse to admit

That this is how I see my situation,

But in the deepest recesses of my mind,

I wonder if the castigation of my abusers is correct.

Maybe my life doesn’t have much value, after all,

Precisely as I have been told repeatedly.

It’s a message I have internalized as accurate.

 

When my exploitation occurred,

I was angrier with You

Than with those who abused me.

Because of the relentlessness of their vitriol,

I believed they spoke the truth,

Which was certainly what they indicated.

But now, I have begun to view things differently.

In my woundedness, it never occurred to me

That Your Son was also abused—just like me—

By hateful, self-righteous religious leaders.

You permitted His abuse—just like You’ve permitted mine.

What Christ’s abusers meant for evil, You meant for good,

Redeeming Mankind through his death and Resurrection.

Without the suffering of Your Son, all would be lost.

Thank You for allowing such a tragedy to occur,

On my behalf, as well as on the behalf of others.

 

Father, can You make my life have similar worth?

Can You use my abuse for something that

Has transforming value for others as well as for me?

Can You turn my pain and my weakness into strength?

Can You take my life, which has been shattered,

And make it joyful and purposeful once again?

Amen.

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MY PRAYER: Father,

As I grit my teeth defiantly,

My anger is so consuming that

Toxic emotions rule my soul.

My fury clouds my judgment.

The smile on my face has vanished.

Dark shadows dominate my countenance,

Warning others to stay clear.

I entertain vivid thoughts of being vengeful,

Of making my enemies pay a terrible price

For the injustice they have inflicted upon me.

When I look in the mirror, I don’t like

The person I see—the person I have become.

I spend my days feeding my anger,

Amusing myself with vengeful imaginations

That race through my mind repeatedly, in a never-ending

Cycle of malice. I’m consumed by thoughts of retribution

That dominate my waking hours and also my dreams.

 

I know I’m not ready to forgive—not yet.

While my hostile mindset has dominion over me,

I need Your help more than ever.

Move me through this toxic period quickly.

Heal me from desiring merciless retribution.

Teach me to forgive—just as I have been forgiven.

While my anger consumes my conscious thoughts,

Depriving me of joy, peace, patience, and kindness;

Keep me from these four injurious behaviors:

From saying harsh words that can never be retrieved;

From wasting hours, feeding my bitter fantasies of reprisal;

From self-defeating behavior that assuages my pain—

And from desiring Evil to come upon my wrongdoers,

Amen.

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MY PRAYER: Father,

Understanding Your leading is not always difficult.

You are crystal clear about so many things—

About honesty, fidelity, and caring for others.

With these, it’s impossible to misunderstand Your will,

But most of life isn’t this simple—

Nor is Your will that easy to discern.

It is not always crystal clear—

Not black and white—which I wish it would be.

Instead, it’s hues of gray, making choices perplexing.

It seems like I am never clear about Your leading,

And yet You expect me to follow You blindly,

Putting my trust in You without reservation.

As I try to discern Your purpose, I have been forced

To step out in faith and be bold many times,

Without any idea of what the future might hold,

Or of what the results of my actions would be.

Nothing ever seems to end the way I think it should,

Or the way I thought it would, forcing me to wonder

If I have understood You accurately. I wonder

If have I done nothing more than project my desires,

Calling them Your will, when they really were not.

As I walk by faith, I rarely receive the answers I expect,

Which You could easily disclose but never seem to do.

I look at my situation, demanding to know the outcome,

While You already knowing what that will be.

 

Your ways are beyond my ability to discern.

As others view my life, scornfully mocking,

Delighting at what looks like my certain failure,

I can count on the assurance of Your guidance.

You know what You have planned for my life.

No matter how contemptuously others view my plight,

From the depth of my soul, Your voice

Constantly assures me that You are in charge.

You are God Almighty, and I am not.

As I acquiesce, my soul is quieted, and I become still.

When I obediently release the outcome to You,

I accept that I may look foolish to many,

Especially on the outside; but on the inside—

Where it really counts, I’m becoming incredibly strong

In ways destined to have value for me and others,

Amen.

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GOD’S PROMISE: Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget none of His benefits; who pardons all your iniquities; who heals all your diseases; who redeems your life from the pit; who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like an eagle (Psalm 103:1-5.)

 

MY PRAYER: Father,

The darkness has lifted—

Darkness permitted by You

To refine my character,

Purging each of my childish ways

And making me more like

The man I’m supposed to be—

The man I’ve always wanted to be.

In the midst of my despair,

When at night I longed for the day,

And in the daytime desired it to be evening,

When sorrows made it difficult to breathe,

You were always there beside me,

Even when I was certain You were not.

As fear relentlessly rattled every fiber of my being,

You continued transforming me from the inside out—

Ever mindful of my frailties and weaknesses.

You purged, pruned and cleansed me from within,

Making me into a far better version of myself

Than I have ever been.

 

Then, one day, as I waited for my debilitating gloom

To return, which had become my daily routine,

It was gone—vanished like it had never been present—

Leaving me stronger, more resilient, and far wiser.

My purpose also returned to me, along with my smile.

I embraced life with renewed enthusiasm—

No longer chained to my heartache—

No longer imprisoned by my distress.

Now, having been elevated to a new, higher plateau,

I can thank You for making me a new person—

With estimable character qualities I thought beyond reach,

Amen.

 

MY SLOGAN: Sobriety is a journey, not a destination.

 

MY AFFIRMATIONS:

—I am free from the enslaving guilt of my past.

—My outlook on life will reflect God’s love and nothing else.

—My countenance has changed, and I am young at heart.

—I will live life on a new, higher plateau.

 

MY MEDITATION: For God, who said, “Light shall shine out of darkness,” is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ (II Corinthians 4:6.)

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Nearly every lesson I’ve learned in life has come while I’ve been in the crucible, when my circumstances were crushing, making me feel like I was in the emotional pit of hell. This is also where I learned to be genuine and authentic.

Apparently, there are those who have the ability to learn life’s lessons in a kinder, gentler way, but I’m certainly not one of them. People in recovery like me have trouble learning their lessons easily. Instead, they seem to gain wisdom and maturity when adversity stops them dead in their tracks—when they have no choice but to trust God.

During my times of hardship, I’ve discovered that I’m far more likely to seek God, rather than when my life has been progressing smoothly. Again, this seems to be the pattern for nearly everybody who has a substance abuse problem.

I may be mistaken, but I suspect there are more alcoholics, drug addicts, and codependents whose experiences are similar to mine than not. We learn to trust while we are deep in the valley of despair, when apprehensions become overwhelming—not while we are enjoying victory on the mountaintop. During times of fulfillment, when each day is filled with endless wonder, I tend to take my blessings for granted. I wish I wasn’t like this, but it’s the way I am. Again, most people in recovery are like me.

God understands us completely. He knows what we are really like. It’s why His desire is for us is to be completely transparent, exposing our wounds and insecurities, while hiding nothing. Unfortunately, this isn’t what most of us are like. Instead, we do our best to mask the truth and deny reality. In our prayers and thoughts, we communicate with God, telling Him what we think He wants to hear, rather than the naked truth about who we really are.

Altering reality to make our circumstances more palatable doesn’t work in real life, nor does it work with our prayers. Instead of being syrupy and disingenuous, God wants each of us to come before Him exactly the way we are—devoid of hypocrisy and self-deception. Doing so is also the key to our sobriety.

God is interested in us being forthright—not in being piously pretentious. God loathes hypocrisy—just like most of us, but He definitely understands adversity, having experienced it through the suffering of His Son. Almighty God can and does empathize with us. This makes Him fully capable of meeting each of us exactly where we are, regardless of our situation or of our level of dysfunction.

Jack Watts

Read Full Post »


Life can be very difficult, especially for someone who is using. That addicted people need God’s help is obvious, or at least it should be. Nearly everybody who has been in recovery for any length of time acknowledges this. Living life on life’s terms can be tough for anybody, but especially for those trapped by their addictions. For these people, adversity can become overwhelming and debilitating. Their coping skills simply do not allow them to deal with problems the way they should. Consequently, when they make the choice to act out, rather than handle their problems appropriately, family dysfunction and work related difficulties inevitably follow.

Unable to cope with life in healthy ways, millions medicate their problems with alcohol, drugs, excessive prescriptions, inappropriate sexual relationships, over-eating, over-spending, and numerous other addictive vices. As they see it, it’s their only solution—their only way out of an intolerable situation.

Drinking and drugging provide these people with an unhealthy way to cope—a one-day reprieve from facing their troubles. It’s a quick fix that works for the moment, but in the long run, it creates far more problems than it solves. Those who pursue this path cease to live lives that have much meaning. They simply exist from day to day, and the destructiveness of their actions creates dysfunction for everyone who loves them, while also making healthy people codependent by the millions.

Jack Watts

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PREFACE TO MY NEWEST PROJECT: Nearly everything I’ve learned about life has come while I’ve been in the crucible, when my circumstances have been crushing, making me feel like I’m in the emotional pit of hell. This is also where I learned to be authentic with my prayers.

Although there are those who have the ability to learn in a kinder, gentler way, I’m definitely not one of them. Similar to me, most in recovery have trouble learning their lessons easily. They seem to gain wisdom and maturity when adversity stops them dead in their tracks, and they have no choice but to trust God.

During my times of hardship, I’ve also discovered that I’m far more likely to seek God, rather than when my life was progressing smoothly. Again, this seems to be the pattern for nearly everybody who has a problem with substance abuse.

I may be mistaken, but I suspect there are more alcoholics and drug addicts whose experiences are like mine than not. We learn to trust while deep in the valley of despair, when apprehensiveness about the future becomes overwhelming, rather than while living on the mountaintop—where victory, joy, and fulfillment fill each day with endless wonder.

God’s desire is for us to be completely honest with Him, exposing our wounds, hiding nothing, but this isn’t what most of us do. Instead, our prayers are an affirmation of reality. We pray in denial, telling God what we think He wants to hear—like a censorious parent—rather than the naked truth about who we really are.

Altering reality to make our circumstances in life more palatable, and it certainly doesn’t work with God either. Instead of being syrupy and disingenuous, He wants each of us to come before Him exactly as we are—devoid of hypocrisy and self-deception. God is interested in us being forthright and transparent—not in us being piously pretentious. Just as we do, Almighty God loathes hypocrisy.

He understands adversity, having experienced it through the suffering of His Son. This makes Him fully capable of meeting a person exactly where that person is, regardless of the situation or the of degree difficulty.
Let Go and Let God is for wounded, hurting people. It’s for people who have been crushed—for people who have had the wind knocked out of their sails. It’s for people who are in pain—for those who desire to reach out to God but lack the necessary words to express their deepest feelings and desires.
Actually, it is for everyone, but it is especially for those in recovery. So, if you are looking for something genuine—something that will point you to God in the midst of circumstances that threaten to crush you—Let Go and Let God is definitely for you.

Jack Watts

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