The Origins of Religious Abuse: Part 4

STEP4: I recognize that God is not the abuser; people who misuse their authority are the abusers.

Not everybody who has been abused goes quietly. Most bow their heads, tuck their tails, and withdraw to live out their days wounded and scorned, but not everybody is willing to be a martyr for the religious leader. Some, convinced that they are right and the Christian leader is wrong, refuse to walk away without a fight. Occasionally, some of these people are absolutely correct. They can prove they are right, and they are willing to go public to do so.

When this happens, an interesting phenomenon occurs. When the abusee “has the goods” on a narcissistic leader and the ministry is forced to face an unpleasant truth, it’s never followed by an open act of repentance. Genuine humility is never an option. The leader rarely comes forth to admit openly how he or she has wronged another. That only occurs when they are forced to do so. It’s never their immediate reaction. Instead, like sleazy politicians, they choose to cover up their wrongdoing.

Reasoning that an open admission of guilt would make too many followers lose their faith, leaders like these do everything in their power to hide the truth—to camouflage reality. This, of course, goes against core Christian beliefs, which requires confession of wrongdoing by everyone, especially leaders. The reason such leaders refuse to humble themselves in this way is because they don’t believe they need to follow the same rules as everybody else. They are above mundane, petty acts of contrition, which impede their noble, exalted purpose. This attitude of superiority rather than service is a clear indication of someone who abuses those he or she has been called to serve.

The Origins of Religious Abuse: Part 3

STEP4: I recognize that God is not the abuser; people who misuse their authority are the abusers.

For religious abuse to occur, arrogance on the part of a religious leader is required. People have differences of opinion all the time but, when one opinion is elevated so far above another person that it is positioned as “God’s will,” then abusiveness is certain to follow.

The person who doesn’t buy into the program is not only rebuked, but his or her relationship with God is also called into question. To criticize the minister is perceived as criticizing God, making the person who disagrees have flawed character qualities. Routinely, those who are in opposition are depicted as “carnal”—as purposefully going against God’s will. This makes the questioner’s walk with the Lord appear to be defective, and that’s exactly how it is positioned. When the abuser says, “I’ll pray for you, brother,” you can be certain that no prayers will be forthcoming—only character assassination. As such, the questioner is castigated, abruptly discarded and shunned—just as a leper would be in India. The person asking hard questions becomes an “untouchable”—rejected by those who were co-laborers just a short time before.

This kind of treatment happens routinely in ministries and churches, wounding people beyond their capacity to cope with the situation. When the process is complete, there is another person added to the ranks of the religiously abused.

Fighting for Your Beliefs

STEP 6: I make a commitment to turn away from my pride and refuse to become like those who have abused me. I abandon my desire to spread malice because of my pain and anger, and I chose to relinquish my right to be self-absorbed.

Of all the reasons for religious abuse, perhaps the greatest is the steadfast determination that “you are right and the other person is wrong.” Maintaining a position militantly and arrogantly causes more wounding than anything else.

When it’s one of the central tenets of faith, it’s one thing, but most militancy comes from micro beliefs—things about which people can differ and still remain true to God and themselves.

Because people would rather argue than entertain any question that might shake their worldview, church people are constantly discarding people they should choose to embrace instead. Unfortunately, it’s much easier to call someone a name that might wound them than to embrace any divergence in opinion. Castigating political liberals for this, Christians need to take a good look at themselves because they do the same thing. Indeed, it is easier to fight for your beliefs than live up to them.

Today’s Thought: It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

—Alfred Adler—

The Origins of Religious Abuse: Part 2

STEP 4: I recognize that God is not the abuser; people who misuse their authority are the abusers.

Abusive religious leaders don’t forget the importance of God’s calling—not completely anyway. Nearly every clergyman can point to a time when they realized God wanted them to devote their careers to the ministry. That’s what makes the problem of religious abuse so difficult to recognize. For the most part, the abusers believe they are being faithful to their calling—never questioning their motives or goals. As these ministers view it, the problem isn’t theirs. They are right.

The problem is with those who don’t buy into their program, which is the purpose to which God has called them. The problem is with those who get in the way. It’s the people who question or criticize the goals of these ministers, which have been divinely mandated, who are the problem. People who don’t follow the minister’s lead—blindly follow, without questioning—must be wrong. There’s no other conclusion possible, and people like these deserve the criticism they receive. They are opposing God’s will, regardless of how small or insignificant the issue might be.

For abusive leaders, there is rarely any gray area. You are either for them or against them. It’s why they surround themselves with sycophantic “yes men”—those who consistently tell them how wonderful they are. If you oppose them, you might as well be opposing God Himself. Because God has given them a vision for the direction He wants them to follow—because He has “told them” what to do, any criticism of their agenda is met with harsh rebuke. But that’s not all. That’s just the beginning of the abusive treatment, and it’s why millions suffer from it.

The Origins of Religious Abuse: Part 1

STEP4: I recognize that God is not the abuser; people who misuse their authority are the abusers.

Somewhere in time, the idea of being called to the ministry has changed—at least for many. In this change, which at first is subtle in a person, the seeds of religious abusiveness become fertile. In the early church and in the Scriptures, being called to the ministry means that a person is called to serve others, regardless of how others respond. Because a minister is serving the Lord, while serving others, that person is fulfilled by fidelity to Christ—fidelity to His calling.

Being the servant of others is what a minister is or, at least, is supposed to be. In our generation, that has flip-flopped. It is now the minister who is served and not the other way around. Because of the minister’s position and oratory skill, they have been elevated to a class above those to whom they have been called to serve. This has become so entrenched that ministers have become celebrities, adored by their followers like rock stars and sports figures.

This transformation has become so accepted that few realize how far it has deteriorated from the original model. Part of the problem is that the terminology has remained constant. Ministers still obsequiously refer to themselves as servants but, in their hearts, they are anything but servants. They are the lords, and when someone gets in their way, that person is castigated and discarded.

The problem has become so serious that millions have been abused in the name of Christ by those who have been called to serve Him.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Thy will, not mine, be done.

In recovery, there is no tool more useful and effective than The Serenity Prayer. Regardless of whether it’s Alcoholics Anonymous, ALANON, Narcotics Anonymous, or Adult Children of Alcoholics, everybody uses The Serenity Prayer. In many meetings, it’s recited in unison. At one time or another, everybody uses it. The value of its wisdom is difficult to fathom. Occasionally, when life is difficult, The Serenity Prayer may be the only tool you have standing between you and the emotional wall standing directly in front of you.

Interestingly, The Serenity Prayer was first penned by Reinhold Neibuhr, the theologian who wrote The Children of Darkness and the Children of Light, which detailed why democracies were initially ineffective against totalitarian despots. In Neibuhr’s case, he was writing specifically about Hitler’s Nazi Germany, during the 1930s. The Serenity Prayer was used initially to stand confidently against an abusive political leader; perhaps the most abusive political leader of all time—with Stalin and a few others close behind.

The point is this: If The Serenity Prayer is effective with abusive political leaders; it’s equally effective in standing against abusive religious leaders. As such, it’s a tool you can and should use as often as needed. If you haven’t already done so, learn The Serenity Prayer, and recite it whenever needed.

The Fruits of Bitterness

STEP 6: I abandon my desire to spread malice because of my pain and anger, and I chose to relinquish my right to be self-absorbed.

Having a relationship with God through faith, your Heavenly Father has already provided you with everything you need to facilitate your own recovery. It’s inside you. By faith, you are God’s child and have all the rights which that entails. This isn’t the power of positive thinking; it’s true and it’s real.

You may feel lost, detached, helpless, and defeated, but you are not. You may feel like you are in the world, without God—adrift and helpless—but you are not. You may feel like nothing good will ever come into your life again, but it doesn’t have to be that way. All is not lost—not even close.

What you must come to recognize it that your recovery depends on how you choose to proceed. It’s your choice—completely your choice. If you want to nurse your wounds, blaming those who have abused you, you can certainly do that. It’s your right, and it’s the path most choose to follow, especially when the abuse is fresh.

Being angry is normal but, by becoming stuck in anger, you’ll become bitter. When bitterness clutches your soul, it diminishes your quality of life, insuring you will never be the person God intended you to be. Bitterness can run so deep in a person that it’s as addictive as a controlled substance—an obstinance nearly impossible to break. Once it takes hold, it becomes part of you, diminishing your productivity and altering your countenance. Nothing good comes from it—nothing. If you’ve become bitter, it’s imperative that you make a conscious choice to break its hold upon you.

Praying for Patience Doesn’t Work

STEP 2: I refuse to continue living my life pursuing self-defeating behavior.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed for patience—only to become more impatient when I’m finished. My anxiety level actually increases. Praying for patience doesn’t work. At least, my experience is that it doesn’t work. Perhaps such prayers work for some people, but they certainly don’t work for those of us in recovery.

What does work, however, is acceptance. When I want something and don’t get it, my frustration level increases. The longer I am denied what I desire, the greater my level of frustration becomes.

When I learn to recognize what’s happening and step back from it, I pray differently. I say, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Generally, my impatience comes from not being able to control the outcome of a situation. The harder I try, the more impatient I become. When I accept that I have no control over a situation, a funny thing happens, I become patient, knowing that the outcome is God’s control and not mine.

Therefore, when I lack patience, I don’t pray to become patient. I pray for acceptance, which creates the patience I desire in the first place. If you try this, I’m certain you’ll be pleased with the outcome.

Spiritual Superiority Causes Religious Abuse: PART 2

Step 4: I chose to accept as true what God says about Himself. He is good and can be trusted. I recognize that God is not the abuser; people who misuse their authority are the abusers.

Believing in his own infallibility, the leader becomes accountable to God only, which means it’s all right to treat others any way he chooses. That’s where the problem comes. Lesser human beings become expendable. Using their position of superiority, they “strut their stuff” arrogantly, expecting their followers to be obsequious when they do. They believe their exalted position gives them the right to do so, and they expect others to recognize it, accept it, and pay homage to them. This misuse of power and authority is the single greatest source of religious abuse. Nothing compares to it.

Being a spiritual leader, however, does not equate to being spiritually superior—quite the contrary. In recovery, because we have felt the sting of religious superiority so acutely, we know how abusive it can be. That’s why so many react negatively to it, blaming God for the abusiveness of those who claim to speak for Him.

The key is to recognize the difference. God is good and can be trusted. An abusive spiritual leader is just a man who arrogates God’s authority to himself inappropriately—nothing more, nothing less.

Recognizing the error is appropriate, but blaming God for it isn’t. He is never abusive. When you begin to understand the difference, you will have made a significant step in your recovery.

Spiritual Superiority Causes Religious Abuse: PART 1

Step 4: I chose to accept as true what God says about Himself. He is good and can be trusted. I recognize that God is not the abuser; people who misuse their authority are the abusers.

In recovery, especially after having experienced religious abuse, we have to view service to others differently. When you take a look at the lives of religious leaders, especially from large churches and ministries, frequently the leaders consider themselves to be the superiors of others. Even if they give lip service to saying they are servants, they don’t really believe it. In their minds and hearts, what they think and what they have to say is more important than what others think and have to say.

The reason for this isn’t based on their leadership position within the organization but on having a closer walk with God than those they have been called to serve. In a strange twist of irony, their initial skill set of serving others changes, and they become de facto gods within their fiefdoms. As such, they are definitely treated as superior beings—as people who know more and have a closer walk with God.

This causes at least two problems. The first is that those around them rarely hold them accountable, choosing instead to become “yes men” to the religious leader. The gods of religion love this and within a short period start to believe in their own infallibility. Believing they are God’s Divinely Chosen Vessel to carry an important message to the world, men like these stop serving others and expect to be served themselves. Sadly, this happens all the time, and those who speak out against it are discarded, suffering religious abuse for speaking the truth.

What Is Success, Really?

STEP 11: I make a commitment to nurture my relationship with God, asking Him to reveal His will to me as well as the power to carry it out.

What is the mark of success for a man or woman? Is it fame and fortune, enjoying the good life that typifies the American dream?

In the church we are told, more often than not, that success comes from doing the will of God. Assuming that’s true, which it probably is, what does that look like? My observation is that it’s virtually the same as achieving the American dream. God wants you to be successful. He wants you to enjoy material blessings, which He is anxious to bestow upon you. Accepting this as true, people by the millions pray for things rather than for their fellow human beings.

In recovery, you must look at life from a different perspective—from an entirely new paradigm. To be successful, you must pour yourself out for others, constantly and repeatedly, regardless of whether you can see the result of your endeavors or not. To make your abusive experience have value, you must reach out to others. Having suffered from your experience gives you insight and wisdom others lack.

Washing the feet of others, to use a biblical analogy, is what Christ did for those who needed it. Because of your experience, you have the soap, water, and towel to do the same thing. If you can humble yourself to serve others in this way, you will be successful and your abusive experience will have had purpose. The reward for such service is far greater than any material success you could desire. Helping others not only adds to them but it also adds estimable character qualities to you as well.

Walking the Walk

STEP 5: I have to repair my relationship with God and make amends with everyone I have wronged along the way.

One of the primary sources of religious abuse comes from a misunderstanding of The Great Commission. If you ask most Christians what The Great Commission is, they will tell you it is to witness about their faith. In denominations like the Southern Baptists, witnessing has been drummed into people so much they become legalistic witnesses, talking about a life most don’t really experience—not consistently anyway.

Christians witness by their behavior far more than by what they say. The difference between what they say and what they do is often so great that it causes wounding to those who clearly recognize the difference between the two. Family members in particular become embittered because they experience the difference between what is said and what is done. For them, talking the talk rarely matches walking the walk. The gap is so great, they become embittered. Then, they either speak out about the hypocrisy, or they keep their mouth shut, stuffing their feeling in the process. Eventually, this embitters them, and they dismiss Christianity because of it. To these people, the claims of Christianity have been over-sold and under-delivered.

There Are No Bailouts for Christians

STEP 10: I believe that God still has a purpose for my life—a purpose for good and not evil.

As times have become more difficult, Christians are abdicating their responsibility to be “salt and light” to the world more than ever. Believing that the Rapture is imminent, in a twisted way, Christians actually welcome the deterioration of the society. They believe it will hasten the Lord’s return. In a perverse sense, faithlessness—in the form of apathy—actually becomes a badge of honor as Christians by the millions look for signs of the times rather than stand for what is right.

What if their prognostications are wrong? What if the Lord doesn’t come for another millennium? What will the epitaph be for this generation?

Like many generations before us, we will be counted as faithless—lukewarm people without much value.

Now is the time to stand and be counted, and it’s definitely not the time to be consumed with an apathetic worldview. We may want a cosmic bailout, but that doesn’t mean it will happen. Nearly every generation is sure it will be the last. It’s a generational narcissism Christians love to embrace, but it “ain’t necessarily so.”

Wouldn’t it be better to fight the good fight—to stand firm regardless of the consequences? Is there any merit in doing anything less? Is apostasy ever a good strategy? Of course not.

Today’s Thought: Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

—Soren Kierkegard—

Being a Failure Is a Necessity

Step 2: I refuse to continue living my life pursuing self-defeating behavior.

Whenever you talk about recovery, whether it’s from alcoholism, spousal abuse, drug addiction, or religious abuse—failure is a prerequisite. Without being a failure, there would be no need for recovery. But failure doesn’t have to be negative—not in the long term. The key isn’t whether or not you’ve failed but what you do with your failure—how you process it. If you deny that you’ve failed, which most people do—at least in the short term, you’ll remain stuck. You’ll stay exactly where you are, constantly justifying past behavior, saying, “I was right. The other person was wrong.”

Sadly, that’s where most people live their lives—looking back rather than looking forward, carrying the weight of their emotional bondage with them. It makes every aspect of their lives a struggle.

It’s not at all what God wants for you; that’s for sure. Denial never works—never, never, never. Instead of living in denial, embrace your failure—make it your own. Accept it; acknowledge it; and move on. Never allow your failures to corrupt your future. Stop living in shame, looking back at the past, which you are powerless to change. That’s what God’s forgiveness and mercy is all about, and it’s where recovery begins. It’s the bottom you have to reach before real growth can begin.

Remember, God has allowed you to go through difficult periods for a purpose. Use that difficulty constructively. It will help you get “unstuck.” It will allow your experience to have value—for yourself and for others.

Thought for Today: Fall six times, get up seven.

—Japanese Proverb—

The Woeful State of Christianity

STEP 11: I make a commitment to nurture my relationship with God, asking Him to reveal His will to me as well as the power to carry it out.

Many people retreat to God because they don’t want to face challenges; they don’t want to muddle through life’s difficult situations. They want pat answers for everything and a life free from conflict—free from the negative consequences, which stem from their poor decisions. They want a cosmic bailout.

They also want God to be a constant, perpetual blessing machine. They want Him to indulge them with creature comforts as a sign that He loves them—as a sign that they are OK. Materialism and the acquisition of “things” validates their standing with God, providing positive proof that they are living life as they were intended to live it.

Churches corroborate this mindset routinely by elevating successful businessmen to the role of elder and deacon to the exclusion of all others—except for doctors and lawyers, of course. In this way of thinking, above all else, God wants His people to enjoy creature comforts—lots of them, which success in business ensures.

Christians with this mindset give lip service to loving and caring for others, when—in reality—their existence and purpose for life is all about themselves. In their superficiality, they believe they are profound, as they blissfully go about their lives doing whatever benefits them.

Pursuing an alternative purpose, which is at cross-purposes with materialism, never enters their mind. If it did, it would be no more than a fleeting thought—like the emotional response you might experience after watching an uplifting movie. It touches you for a short while, but that’s all. It has no life-altering impact.

In their lethargy, they assume little responsibility for the state of the world or for the depraved condition of mankind—spiritually, morally, or materially. For your recovery to be long lasting, your must make the Golden Rule part of your life—a substantial part.

Today’s Thought: He who has hope has everything.
—Arabian Proverb—