How to Recognize Abusive Behavior

Refer to STEP 4: I recognize that God is not the abuser; people who misuse their authority are the abusers.

One of the main reasons abuse goes unrecognized an unacknowledged is that Christians are more than willing to give abusers “a pass” on their behavior, especially when the abuse was a verbal attack. Well meaning people often say things like these:

• I know you were hurt by that, but the pastor didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.
• You just misunderstood; that’s all. You’re just too sensitive.
• It’s not nearly as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be.
• He would never hurt you on purpose. He’s been under a lot of stress lately, but I’m sure he meant you know harm.

In Christian circles, this is not only what people say; it’s what they believe—firmly believe. For those who have experienced the abuse, they know deep inside of them that this isn’t really the case. Because they hear a steady stream of justification from others, however, they often come to believe that they must have been mistaken. They still experience the pain, but they view their situation through the rose colored glasses of Christian political correctness.

Instead, what they should do is confront the situation head-on, which rarely happens. If the abuser is confronted and no abuse was intended, the abusive person will immediately come to the light, admit their fault, and be willing to reconcile. If the person has an abusive spirit, they will never come to the light. Instead, they will deflect, rationalize, or explain their behavior in a way that justifies what they have done; but they will never come to the light. They can’t. Although they might preach powerful messages about the Lord, they live in the darkness and are never willing to be repentant. It’s simply not in their nature of an abusive person to do so.

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How Many Christians Have Dropped Out?

Refer to STEP 11: I made a commitment to nurture my relationship with the Lord, asking Him to reveal His will to me and to provide me with the power to carry it out.

As I see it, the pendulum toward evangelism versus discipleship has produced an abundance of low-lying, marginal fruit for several decades. There are more Christians, but few of them know much about what they believe. The pendulum needs to swing in the other direction toward discipleship.

The largest church in America is not Roman Catholicism; it’s lapsed Catholics—those who have left because they see no value in attending. There may be as many as 30 million lapsed Catholics.

The largest Protestant church isn’t Southern Baptist, it’s lapsed born-again believers—those who have abandoned their churches in favor of secular activities. There are at least 20 million of them.

These two groups, lapsed Catholics and lapsed evangelicals, could be as large as 50 million people; and there is nothing being done to reach out to these people—nothing, nada, zip.

Why do you think that is?

It’s because it’s easier to go after fresh, new faces than try and reconnect with those who have been abused and offended. The Scriptures say it’s easier to overtake a walled city than a person offended. When there are millions of them—and there are, something needs to be done to restore them.

The Great Commission is not being fulfilled in our generation—not even close. It’s like we paint the front of the house every month but never paint the back. It looks good from the street but, upon careful inspection, much of it is uncared for and rotting.

If you want to help your church, your community, and America get stronger, reach out to an offended Christian. It’s thankless work for a while; but over time, it will strengthen the core of who you are. Plus, there is nothing that will help your recovery more.

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Recognizing a Religious Abuser: Part 2

Refer to STEP 4: He is good and can be trusted. I recognize that God is not the abuser; people who misuse their authority are the abusers.

Religious abusers use God’s people to further their own ends and not His. Recognizing the abusive nature of such people can be very difficult. They consistently speak the “right words,” and they speak powerfully, with conviction—straight from their heart. It’s clear they believe what they are saying, but that’s because they believe God’s will and their will are the same. They see no difference between the two—none whatsoever. Such a difference doesn’t even enter their minds. It’s inconceivable to them that such a difference might exist.

Because of this belief, when a fellow believer gets in their way, regardless of the reason, the abuser views it as getting in the way of “God’s will,” which instigates the abuse, making it inevitable. Let me be perfectly clear about this: Abusers believe they are doing the right thing when they are being abusive. In fact, they are convinced of it. In their minds, they not only have a right to do what they are doing but it’s actually “God’s will” for them to do it. They never regret their abusiveness, viewing it instead as faithfully following the will of God. It’s as simple as that.

To protect yourself from narcissistic thinking like this, which can have devastating consequences, you need to evaluate Christian leaders, especially those who are personally charismatic, by asking yourself; Does this person look at me as a someone to further his  interests or God’s interests?

When you ask this question, you must be thinking clearly and refrain form any sentamentality or gullibility because those of us who have failed to be discerning have paid a dear price for our error.

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